Catch up

So, its currently reading week! I'm back at home, sat in my room with the sun coming in through the windows and bathing my sleeping beauty Biscuit (my cat) in a lovely warm glow. I can't quite believe how quickly time seems to be flying. Not that I'm complaining about the time off but it feels like we've only been back at uni a brief while and we're on a break already!

My reading week has been spent with my family and by introducing a friend to the delights Chichester has to offer. The time with my family has been reassuring but also I can't shake the slight constricting feeling that I'm once again a child under my parents roof. I enjoyed a trip to Wisley Gardens with my aunties though - there was a spectacular butterfly exhibit in which I would like to have remained for the foreseeable future surrounded by plants and fluttering beauties if only it weren't rammed full of children and the elderly, and it wasn't in a 1000 degree glasshouse! And having a friend to stay was a new experience; having not spent longer than a few hours with someone else in a long long while. But I tried my best to entertain them and enjoy myself despite constantly fretting over their levels of contentment, hunger and boredom!

Having this week off, I've had a little time to reflect on the first month of this semester; I'd like to say its been positive but the reality of that is sadly just not true. I'm still struggling with things but the main difference in comparison to last year is that I've got support and I have the faintest echo of hope that maybe I'm making progress - even if its just tiny baby steps.
Here's a round up of all of the recent developments in the world of Lily...


This semester has been going relatively smoothly, there have been a few bumps in the road but I'm glad to return to the structure and routine. It saves me from my mind a lot of the time, being occupied by lessons and by studying. I'm enjoying my learning, all of the new modules I've started are pretty good so far (will I be saying this when it comes to deadlines...) It feels like we're proper second years now, the hesitancy of the first semester has been replaced with a calmer, more confident energy and we seem to have adapted to the expectations placed upon us. I'm trying my best with my technique classes, I think I've only cried once! Which is promising...I've got a long way to go to gain back some of my lost strength but I should focus on the things I still have and can still do well. Also, this semester because I'm actually a gigantic nerd and sadistically enjoy giving myself more than I necessarily need to do - I'm sitting in on the dance journalism module! Its been great to actually consider my writing and start to learn ways of improving it! I just love absorbing all of the knowledge from our lecturer Ann, who is a fountain of literary passion and knowledge. Its so rewarding being surrounded people who enjoy words and writing as much as I do (well, potentially almost as much as me...!).

I feel like I'm a little more settled in terms of dealing with my mental health whilst studying, it is a little more stable due to me having a better understanding of what I struggle with and by recognising these things I can start to put strategies in place that I am working on in my therapy sessions.

Talking of therapy, I'm now receiving weekly treatment and though there haven't been any massive breakthroughs (I'm not expecting this at all anytime soon) but I've had a few moments of mini-revelation. Clarity is starting to emerge, not in terms of the solutions to my issues, but my understanding of the issues themselves. I'm beginning to recognise my illness and the behaviours and some of the thought patterns and emotions surrounding it all. Its useful to have someone to help me sort out what is going on and start to get to the bottom of why its happening and how we can start to change things to make them better. Its scary and tough, each session leaves me red-eyed and drained but I've waited so long to get to this point, I need to persevere and keep working on myself.

Taking a stand: I've been faced with some tough situations this semester. In terms of the university wanting to monitor and support me they've had to oversee my workload, which led to them questioning whether I'd be capable of participating in certain things. The biggest thing has been choreography. I really love dancing in other peoples work, but this involves extra rehearsals; something that the uni support team consider a potential risk to my wellbeing if I'm over-exerting myself. However, did I submit to their wishes? No I did not... It might be my extreme stubbornness but I could not reiterate to them enough how much I wanted to still be taking part in these choreographies. Even to the point of getting up and walking (I say walking, I was so upset I tripped and crashed my way out the meeting...) out of a discussion about limiting my workload. But I knew that these choreographies are good for me- they keep me active, they help me socialise, they help stimulate my brain and my creativity, and I genuinely enjoy working for others and helping them out! I feel a duty to do it and I don't want to let people down that I've already committed to. So, I wrote a few sternly worded emails, I kept up my side of the argument and thankfully have been permitted to do them! I'm quite proud of myself for sticking up for what I felt was right. I didn't want to miss out on this opportunity just because I'm struggling; It felt almost as if I was giving in to my mental health. I completely appreciate the concern of the University, they want to make sure I'm fit to study and all of that jazz - but I felt a little undermined and sort of underestimated. As much as I am struggling, I hate when things are taken out of my control and I feel like my autonomy is challenged. So, that's a little win from me! (also was just getting v. annoyed with my tutor who I felt didn't listen to my own feelings and still spells my name wrong in emails....)


That's a brief kind of overview of some bits and pieces going on - I could bore you all with a full review so far, but I'll save that for the end of the semester perhaps?

Looking to the future...

I want to start challenging myself a little more. I'm gradually understanding where my current limits are with things and by establishing these I can maybe set some targets and goals for myself to work towards. For example, spending time with my friend taught me a lot about my mentality. I thought I'd manage to cope with everything but I think it was just too big a task for me to have someone stay over right now. However, I can now know for next time that maybe a day trip would be more suitable? Or I can maybe try again and hopefully with this experience I can feel a little more prepared? But anyhow, I'm going to try work hard at uni, push myself in all my classes and try not to fall into the pattern of shying away from opportunities like I tended to last semester.

I want to try bring back some of the things that bring me joy and make me 'me' again. I've not done a lot of art recently and thats something I want to rectify. I like to work on little things to give to other people which often motivates me more, however I think I could work on my personal art and do things just for me, just for fun! My MH coordinator encourages me to try find things that I enjoy doing, these are the things that help make me feel a bit more like a human and less like a set of symptoms and disorders.

Something I am quite pleased with is how much more I'm reading and its giving me great joy to immerse myself in fictional worlds and it helps expand my vocabulary and my writing skills immensely! So, I'll be keeping that up, my Goodreads app helps with tracking my reading too. I'm steaming my way through my reading challenge of 25 books in a year, I think I could maybe make it double but we'll see!

Thank you for reading, with love and light,

Lily