Vinyl

This is a long overdue post about one of my newer loves in life - my record player.


For my 20th birthday I bought myself a record player. I'm not sure what exactly inspired it but a few of my friends have record players and I thought it was a cool process, the whole collecting vinyl, setting up the player, the vibe of it, and then of course - how amazing it sounds. I think its something I've always been interested in doing but haven't had the funds or the opportunity and hey it was my birthday -so treat yo'self.  
Also, we'd recently been to visit my Grandpa Jack and collected a few of mums old records that she used to listen to, including a couple of Pink Floyd albums, so that was another reason for getting one (not that I didn't really need much persuasion!). I think the only thing putting me off was not wanting to make the wrong decision and end up spending money on a flimsy shit player that could potentially ruin any records I got!
 And the actual buying of the thing was probably the most stressful part of this whole experience (that and when I thought I'd blown a speaker). I'd done a bit of research (okay, a LOT of research) because I knew the wide variety of players available and also the wide price range. You can get players with built-in amplifier and speakers e.g the retro, Crosley type players, which have their advantages in portability, ease of use, immediate sound production and they are relatively cheap. But they also have their disadvantages in that the sound quality can sometimes be limited and a lot of audiophiles (aka Hi-Fi enthusiasts) don't recommend them due to how heavy the cartridge arm can be which puts a lot of pressure on your record and eventually wears the vinyl down too much - ruining the record. So then I looked at the next kind of price bracket, which are turntables, these don't have built in amplifiers or speakers so you need to invest in those too. There is a huge range in terms of price they can go from around a £100 right up to £3000+ for the REALLY fancy ones. But I settled for the Lenco L-85 which I discovered from my research was a good turntable for beginners because its user friendly, has decent, enjoyable sound for the money, is good with voices and is reasonably priced with good features.

So, the day of my birthday I couldn't wait and me and my mum went out to Guildford to go shopping and get my record player! I got the actual turntable from HMV and then it was a stress to try and find speakers. We were going to go with a turntable that had speakers in the bundle with it but I thought if I was going to get a decent turntable then I needed decent speakers. So we traipsed around town and looked in all of the places we'd assumed would have speakers but alas they didn't have the ones we needed. But, we called up a music store and they thankfully had some. They were super helpful in the shop (and the sales guy was super cool...) and I only had to wait around an hour for them to get delivered to the shop. In that time I went into town and spent some more of my birthday money and I got my first record - Radiohead's The Bends!

I remember riding the bus home clutching my speakers and my bags of shopping and feeling so elated and full of birthday happiness. Itching to get home and set up my record player and listen to the records if brought!

I was nervous setting everything up, I really didn't want to damage everything but I got it all set up and put on The Bends... WOOOO! It was incredible just hearing the first notes of the record and then the track kicked in and the heavenly sounds of Radiohead came crashing around me! Mum has a video of me and my face just lights up like a child on crimbus morning!

I spent the rest of the day listening to the records I'd brought (led zep, Moose blood, Bon Iver) and the records I'd rescued from grandpa Jack's house. It was magical lsitening to a Pink Floyd album that my mum had when she was my age. And a copy of Bob Dylans the time are changing. 
In the evening when my family came over it was a really experience to sit around and listen to records together as a family!

Thus began my collecting! Currently I've got around 40 or so records and my collection will only grow! It's a great hobby and I inspired my uncle to get out his collection of vinyl and his record player again and I even went over for a record listening evening!

I wish I knew more people who had record players, I want to borrow and share vinyl and geek out over awesome 2nd hand record finds! Also vinyl can be expensive so it's cost effective to share and borrow!
There does seem to be a whole commericalism to vinyl now, I'm so pleased its back in fashion - but that doesn't mean consumers should be sold dreadfully poor quality record players and overpriced vinyl in urban outfitters (£38 for a 12" is ridiculous...)!

Anyway, this was a rambling post about vinyl and my love for record collecting! I hope you enjoyed reading and I hope this maybe inspires you to listen to records!

Love and light,
Lily

Weathering the storm

Hello,

So last week was a bit turbulent to say the least, the thing is, it wasn't a dreadful downwards spiral, but it was full of manic highs too which was the most disconcerting and de-stablising thing. But, despite all of this, I'm still here.

I'm here in uni on a monday morning, sat in the library about to get on with some work. I've just had a ballet class which wasn't too dreadfu, I actually enjoyed it slightly (as much as I can enjoy this particular teacher's barrage of cynical commentary). Yesterday I spent time with my aunties and I've got things to look forward to. I guess I just want to recognice that I made it through, when previously I don't think I would have coped as much as I managed to. Or more likely, my coping mechanisms would've been a lot more destructive. And I'm still relying on bad coping mechanisms but I guess I'm becoming more self-aware of the patterns of behaviour I fall into and I'm trying to find ways of breaking those cycles. It feels impossible sometimes, these behavioral patterns have become so ingrained in me and its like a safety blanket. I'm scared to break out and do things that will help me in the long run - because right now they are scary and unknown. 

I had a bad week last week - but in who's mind? I'm the only one who knows how bad it was and I'm the only one able to judge it, but that also makes me unable to be objective and judge whether it really was that bad. I think it certainly could've been more positive, I felt a bit out of control and unstable in terms of impulsive habits and obeying compulsions.

However, its a new week and I made it through the storm; I can only try and make this week better. Its difficult the first day after a bad week, you don't want to ruin it on the first day of the 'reset' but also it would just be so easy to fall back into those familiar comforting habits. I don't know why I see monday's as a chance to reset, why can't I just live each day without this idea of it being a good or bad day; can't I just have a day?
I think this idea of days being good or bad has definitely stemmed over time from my disordered eating. If I managed to stay below a certain number of calories or not binge/purge one day then this would be classed as a 'good' day. If I "overate", didn't exercise enough or failed to purge then it would be a 'bad' day. I still have this mentality and its difficult to not let it filter into my everyday general  thinking, for example - 'if I don't do well in this class then it's a bad day' or 'if  I don't get this piece of work done then its a bad day'. I don't know if this comes from my need to feel in control; when I get done what I need to and if I do things perfectly then I feel in control and on top of things. But when even one thing goes out of line or not according to plan then I feel like I'm no longer in control. And I'll get set off by unexpected things, I';ll go into a tailspin because of something completely out of my control - but there is no way I can help it, I need to learn how to deal with the unexpected and undesirable because my current reactions include a great deal of panic, anxiety and really bad coping mechanisms.

I'm on a journey trying to understand my thinking, trying to kind of sort my life out whilst also discovering more about myself. I'm not doing it completely alone but with the help of mental health professionals I'm remembering my previous experiences with therapy and reprogramming my thinking to try get me in a healthier,safer mindset.

It's terrifying and confusing and I don't feel anywhere near 100% yet but I'm working on it. I've made that initial step towards getting better - I'm accepting I need help and I'm actively working with everything I get given. I could definitely do more but I'm not ready yet, it'll take time. I can't expect some miraculous recovery overnight. Time and patience. Time, patience and kindness. I just have to think, if I was recovering from a broken leg, I wouldn't expect to get up and start running the next day, it takes rehabilitation and plenty of time to recover. Easier said than done, but I can allow myself time.

Thank you for reading this smush of thoughts,
With love and light,
Lily

Body Hair!

Hello!

A short little post today, all about something that I've learnt to embrace, something that occurs naturally but is something so usually viewed with disgust on the female body...

As you can glean from the title this is a post all about body hair! The other day I was chatting with some friends and one of them mentioned how they'd recently shaved their legs but seemed to have missed a few stray hairs; this flowed on into confessions of needing to shave or neglecting to shave, and I threw it out there that I've not shaved in probably over six months or so.
"WHat?! Even your underarms?" "Yep!"

Now, I was feeling brave this day and jokingly offered if they wanted to see, assuming they'd obviously decline and leave my hairy underarms to their imagination; little did I think I'd be met with curiosity and a desire to see! So, I showed them. This is the first time I think I've ever showed anyone my armpit hair in this context, it was a little strange, as if being some strange specimen in an exhibit, but I'm so keen to normalise the fact that I have armpit hair. Instead of being met with disgust (which was what I've been conditioned to expect), they were surprised at how natural it looked and how it wasn't like I had long, flowing, plait-able tresses sprouting from my armpits - just slightly curly, dark short hairs.

As dancers, we see guys armpit hair all the time. They can wear vests without a second thought to the fact it will expose their underarm hair. Yet as females, we are expected to shave and keep most areas hair-free. I don't find that fair and to be honest I've grown to not care about not satisfying peoples expectations. Of course I still get self-conscious about wearing vests, I've not braved a ballet lesson in just a leotard and no cover-shirt yet, but as summer draws closer I'm going to try it out! I think I'm just scared of other peoples reactions, I'd rather they said 'wow, you've got armpit hair' to my face rather than talk about it behind my back. I want to open up discussion about body hair, about normalising it, especially in this profession. Dance is so image-conscious, I think more could be done to try get away from this idealisation of the perfect ballerina aesthetic. This is not to say that if you want to shave you can't, go ahead and shave everywhere if you want! I'm not against shaving, I just don't want there to be a pressure or automatic assumption that it's something we need to do.

If ever I have care of a child, I want them to grow up being unashamed of their natural body, want them to not feel the pressure to conform to an impossible ideal. I want them to be comfortable and happy whatever they choose to do with their body hair. I think more women should just let their hair grow; shaving and maintenance is a pain in the ass anyway!

I like my body hair!
Maybe losing a lot of the hair from my head makes me want to retain as much as my natural hair as possible?
i like seeing the little curling swirls that my underarm hair forms
i like when the fuzzy halo of fur on my legs is illuminated in the light
i like how coarse and strong my pubic hair is

Does this talk of body hair make you uncomfortable? I'm not going to apologise for that!
I'm comfortable with my body hair now, and I feel pretty liberated by that!

Anyway, thank you for reading this,
As always, love and light,

lily

3Fall Audition

Hello everyone,

It's a grey drizzly Friday today, a kind of lulled ending to a rather tumultuous week! For a second year dance student at Chichester Uni, this week has been a bit of tough one (even more than usual - if you can believe that). For those of us really wanting to pursue performance, there is the opportunity in our final year to audition for 3Fall; the third year performance company. And yep, this week was auditions!

After having been given under a weeks notice of the audition and rushing to cobble together a decent, non-braggy, professional-feeling application, there was a definite feeling of general panic, verging on hysteria that settled into everyone. (To be honest, its still there, as we nervously await the dreaded rejection/acceptance emails!) I thought I'd write a little about my experience of the audition because it was one of the most enjoyable experiences I've had so far at this uni and I think I surprised myself with how much I enjoyed it (and how I didn't even want to cry once (except maybe when we had to do a dive-roll within a piece of rep......)).

There are two parts to the audition, a class; where they assess your technique and physical skill, then a repertory section where they see how well you can pick up material and you really show your performance skills. One of our newest teachers Luke Brown took the technique class, which was a great relief to everyone, having dreaded seeing who they'd asked to put us through our paces. I tried to treat it as just another technique class and be chilled and enjoy it, which is easier said than done. Especially when you've got your head of department and 3Fall director sitting a desk scouring over your application form...But I settled into the class and eventually could shake the feeling of being watched and just show how much I enjoy moving.

I'm by far not the best technician, but I feel like I really understand my body now and I move in a way that allows me to demonstrate my individuality. I really enjoy technique class especially when the teacher is so responsive, I felt like the vibe created in Luke's class allowed us all to feel like we were learning so much with each exercise. I challenged myself quite a lot in this class too, perhaps more than I would in a general technique class; which I maybe shouldn't admit to but I think the audition environment creates that drive and you push yourself that much more. It perhaps showed me what I am capable of doing so that in my usual technique classes I know I can achieve so much more and push even further. I tried my hardest to be at the front and made sure I could see what was going on because I always dance more confidently when I know exactly what I am doing; if I don't know the material then I tend to crumble! I hope I managed to show what I'm capable of and the potential I have for development.

Then, just as we were finishing up the technique class with some extremely fast and exhilarating travel phrases, in came the whole cast of the current 3Fall dancers. Cue me having a slight heart attack... But really I think the addition of 16 pairs of eyes made me push myself that much harder.

The second part of the audition involved learning some of the current company repertoire. A duet from choreographer Joe Garbett, a trio from James Wilton and some unison from Abi Mortimer. Each section of material was different and demanded us to switch between styles, adaptability and versatility is something they were looking for. Alongside our ability to pick up material quickly. I was really grateful to work with my lovely friend Tyler, who I'm super comfortable working with and who I know is a brilliant dancer.  We kind of made our way through the duet, it didn't go horrendously wrong at least! Then for the trio, we were joined by Megan and I have to say, I think we absolutely smashed this trio. There was A LOT of liftwork and quite athletic, acrobatic elements so I was glad to be with two very strong dancers! I think we kept up well and gave a pretty decent performance. It was exhilarating to show what we could do, I feel like we really really pushed ourselves and for just learning the material in twenty minutes, it was crazy! There was one moment where we fumbled a lift slightly, but instead of moving on I was like 'NO, lets do the lift again!!', which was a good decision because we nailed it the second time round and Megan seemed to hover in the air! I never believed myself capable of doing some of that material before I started uni, but I guess this audition has shown me what I can do when under pressure and fighting for my place in the company.
I really enjoyed the final section of Abi's material, it was full of personality and pizazz so I really went for it and dredged up the last of my energy!

In all, I have to say its one of the best audition experiences I've ever had. I was relaxed and just wanted to show them how much I was enjoying myself and how much I love dancing! Obviously I'd love to get in but I don't think I should pin my hope on it because everyone else did so well. I think they've got a difficult job on their hands deciding who's in the company next! It's just going to be a nervous wait until that email comes through and it'll either be tears of joy or tears of sadness, but either way I can say I tried my best in the audition and that's all I could do!

Now to recover from this week... alas its just time to write essays and do research!!!  At least I can heal some of the bruises covering my entire body...

Thanks for reading, I'll let you know the outcome hopefully!
With love and light,
Lily

Losing | Gaining

In honour of eating disorders awareness week, I thought I'd write a little bit about my experience with my eating disorder and how I always tend to focus on the things I've lost rather than the whole load of things I'm grateful to still have...

Throughout my ongoing battle with anorexia I've often found myself fixated in mourning the loss of a whole list of things. 

Small things. Like my hair, which at first I thought was just naturally shedding a bit, but over time has severely thinned and gone from being thick and full to weak and limp. Or my ability to enter a shop without having a panic attack.

Thing like...
My sense of self: I'm not really sure who I am right now. When you lose nearly 45% of your body weight it feels a little like I've lost part of my identity with it. I have to reconfigure how I view myself, both in terms of appearance and my mentality.
My ability to think clearly: I get tired easily and my brain function is impacted by the lack of nutrients. I get brain fog and this means by about 3pm each day I reach a point where my headaches get so bad I have to close my eyes and try not to pass out.
Life experiences: family meals, birthday parties, Christmas dinner, nights out with friends...
Relationships; ones with friends that I've been neglcting, ones with family that I've put under strain, romantic ones, platonic ones...
My strength: Muscle wastage has caused me to lose a lot of the strength I'd build up over years and years of dance training.
My passion for dance. It's sad but that passion has dulled. I'm so exhausted and consumed by this disorder, my depression worsened and that has just killed all of my drive and interest in all of the things I usually enjoy.
Time: The amount of time devoted to counting calories, to checking food, to thinking about my intake, thinking about how I look, visiting my GP, therapy (although I don't mind my time being used for this). Time spent doing things that damage my body. Time that could be spent doing things I want to do, not things I feel compelled to do, not these compulsions and rituals I have to obey.

Femininity: Something that my therapist said struck me the other day; when discussing the long absence of my period she said if they come back I have to prepare for the experience of 'becoming a woman again', and this made me think, have I stopped being a woman? I think I've definitely felt a change in my identity, I don't know if I feel like less of a woman but I definitely haven't felt feminine or beautiful in a long time.

Control. I've lost control big time. I like to pretend I'm in control, but that's a lie really. If I was truly in control I'd be able to look after myself and keep myself healthy like I logically understand I should.

My future; So often, I find myself worrying and worrying about how I'll never have a future, how I'll be stuck with this disorder my whole life, how I'll never have a career, how I'll never be loved, how I'll never own my own house, have my own cats, have my own life.

But, this is temporary. At least that's what I'm learning and slowly trying to convince myself of. This moment, though intense and difficult, will pass. It will take time and a whole lot of work and effort on my part but, it has the potential to get better.

So, to start, I thought I'd ask myself to think about what I still have. Instead of fixating on the things I've "lost", I can think about all of the things I still have and even things I've gained from my experience,

Family. The one thing I think that has seriously kept me earthbound. I could not be more grateful for the love and support I've received not just from my parents, but from the whole of my family. I realised they are all behind me, even if we don't speak all the time and as a family are generally pretty pants with talking about our feelings, but I sense that they all believe in me and that they genuinely do love me. It's taking time for me to accept that love, but I know its there and I'm unbelievably grateful for how much they do for me. Throughout this, my mum and dad have been there, they could so easily have given up, but they still believe in me and I cannot thank them enough.

Friends. I still have friends. Though my mind makes me believe I'm alone and that no one likes me, I still have friends. Every day I see them at uni, I am grateful that people still don't mind me being around and that even sometimes I can make people laugh and positively impact their day. I don't underestimate how hard I can be to be around sometimes and I'm so grateful for the days when I've had a full-scale meltdown that friends have been there. I'm especially grateful to Tyler, who despite his wonderful sarcastic nature, has the biggest heart and can give me a hug and not need to say anything because he just knows I need to cry. There are a whole load of others I could name, Maeve, Becky, Em, Beth, Tash, Kate, Megan, Billie, Sophie... the list goes on. Each and every person I study with at uni I'm grateful for because they make me laugh, they make me smile, they make me mad, they make me think, they make me work, but most of all they make me feel included and they make me feel a part of something.

My mind and my body. Though both are ill and both have suffered, both are still functioning. And I should not take that for granted. I should be grateful for the work my body does, it enables me to dance, it enables me to experience life freely. I should be grateful for my mind. For my ability to read. My ability to write. My ability to talk, to sing, to paint, to create, to cycle, to pet my cat. All of these things that I take for granted. Its time I should treat my body and mind with a little more respect (I'm working on it, I promise).

Support. Though its taken its sweet time, I've finally got a stable, consistent support system. I see my mental health coordinator regularly, I see an ED specialist regularly and I see a psychiatrist. I'm going to be starting to see a psychologist soon to start with more CBT too. So all of these things I didn't have before. I've now got them and I'm grateful that I'm finally in the system of care and I'm starting on my journey to getting better.

My freedom. So often when things reach a critical level with eating disorders and you could get hospitalised and become inpatient, a whole lot of freedom and control gets taken away from you. Thankfully I've been spared this so far. So I should be glad I'm still allowed to attend university and live independently and experience life monitored (still get monitored weekly but at least it's not 24/7 like it could potentially be...)

Control. I do still have control. Not over all aspects of my life, but over most. I am the one who has the ability to change things. I may need help from people and from anti-depressants to assist with making those changes, but I am the one ultimately who has to make those decisions. Those tough choices between what is right and what is easy. I have my free-will.

From these struggles I've learnt a great deal about who I am too. I'm learning a lot about what my core values are, what drives me, what motivates me. I'm starting to fathom some of the deep complexities that lie at the root of my issues. It may sound silly but I've matured a lot, suffering with an eating disorder whilst studying for a degree means you have to do quite a bit of growing up and although I wouldn't say I'm at peak adult yet, I've made a lot of progress from who I was when I started uni.

I've learnt that I'm incredibly stubborn. This is both good and bad. I won't let people tell me what I should and shouldn't do. But I also won't let this disease kill me, deep down I know I don't want to let that happen.

I am still me. I am still Lily. There are so many things in life I am grateful for, those things I take for granted like shelter, money, family stability. So many things that I forget I still have. I shouldn't fixate so much on what I've lost. I'll try to remember this post the next time I spiral downwards thinking about missed opportunities and lost time - I can't get those back, but I can work to making the most out of my future.

I send out hope to all of those suffering or who have suffered with eating disorders. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. They destroy lives. It's destroyed mine, its still trying to, but I'm really gradually trying to rebuild,

With love and light, 

Lily