Weathering the storm

Hello,

So last week was a bit turbulent to say the least, the thing is, it wasn't a dreadful downwards spiral, but it was full of manic highs too which was the most disconcerting and de-stablising thing. But, despite all of this, I'm still here.

I'm here in uni on a monday morning, sat in the library about to get on with some work. I've just had a ballet class which wasn't too dreadfu, I actually enjoyed it slightly (as much as I can enjoy this particular teacher's barrage of cynical commentary). Yesterday I spent time with my aunties and I've got things to look forward to. I guess I just want to recognice that I made it through, when previously I don't think I would have coped as much as I managed to. Or more likely, my coping mechanisms would've been a lot more destructive. And I'm still relying on bad coping mechanisms but I guess I'm becoming more self-aware of the patterns of behaviour I fall into and I'm trying to find ways of breaking those cycles. It feels impossible sometimes, these behavioral patterns have become so ingrained in me and its like a safety blanket. I'm scared to break out and do things that will help me in the long run - because right now they are scary and unknown. 

I had a bad week last week - but in who's mind? I'm the only one who knows how bad it was and I'm the only one able to judge it, but that also makes me unable to be objective and judge whether it really was that bad. I think it certainly could've been more positive, I felt a bit out of control and unstable in terms of impulsive habits and obeying compulsions.

However, its a new week and I made it through the storm; I can only try and make this week better. Its difficult the first day after a bad week, you don't want to ruin it on the first day of the 'reset' but also it would just be so easy to fall back into those familiar comforting habits. I don't know why I see monday's as a chance to reset, why can't I just live each day without this idea of it being a good or bad day; can't I just have a day?
I think this idea of days being good or bad has definitely stemmed over time from my disordered eating. If I managed to stay below a certain number of calories or not binge/purge one day then this would be classed as a 'good' day. If I "overate", didn't exercise enough or failed to purge then it would be a 'bad' day. I still have this mentality and its difficult to not let it filter into my everyday general  thinking, for example - 'if I don't do well in this class then it's a bad day' or 'if  I don't get this piece of work done then its a bad day'. I don't know if this comes from my need to feel in control; when I get done what I need to and if I do things perfectly then I feel in control and on top of things. But when even one thing goes out of line or not according to plan then I feel like I'm no longer in control. And I'll get set off by unexpected things, I';ll go into a tailspin because of something completely out of my control - but there is no way I can help it, I need to learn how to deal with the unexpected and undesirable because my current reactions include a great deal of panic, anxiety and really bad coping mechanisms.

I'm on a journey trying to understand my thinking, trying to kind of sort my life out whilst also discovering more about myself. I'm not doing it completely alone but with the help of mental health professionals I'm remembering my previous experiences with therapy and reprogramming my thinking to try get me in a healthier,safer mindset.

It's terrifying and confusing and I don't feel anywhere near 100% yet but I'm working on it. I've made that initial step towards getting better - I'm accepting I need help and I'm actively working with everything I get given. I could definitely do more but I'm not ready yet, it'll take time. I can't expect some miraculous recovery overnight. Time and patience. Time, patience and kindness. I just have to think, if I was recovering from a broken leg, I wouldn't expect to get up and start running the next day, it takes rehabilitation and plenty of time to recover. Easier said than done, but I can allow myself time.

Thank you for reading this smush of thoughts,
With love and light,
Lily