Losing | Gaining

In honour of eating disorders awareness week, I thought I'd write a little bit about my experience with my eating disorder and how I always tend to focus on the things I've lost rather than the whole load of things I'm grateful to still have...

Throughout my ongoing battle with anorexia I've often found myself fixated in mourning the loss of a whole list of things. 

Small things. Like my hair, which at first I thought was just naturally shedding a bit, but over time has severely thinned and gone from being thick and full to weak and limp. Or my ability to enter a shop without having a panic attack.

Thing like...
My sense of self: I'm not really sure who I am right now. When you lose nearly 45% of your body weight it feels a little like I've lost part of my identity with it. I have to reconfigure how I view myself, both in terms of appearance and my mentality.
My ability to think clearly: I get tired easily and my brain function is impacted by the lack of nutrients. I get brain fog and this means by about 3pm each day I reach a point where my headaches get so bad I have to close my eyes and try not to pass out.
Life experiences: family meals, birthday parties, Christmas dinner, nights out with friends...
Relationships; ones with friends that I've been neglcting, ones with family that I've put under strain, romantic ones, platonic ones...
My strength: Muscle wastage has caused me to lose a lot of the strength I'd build up over years and years of dance training.
My passion for dance. It's sad but that passion has dulled. I'm so exhausted and consumed by this disorder, my depression worsened and that has just killed all of my drive and interest in all of the things I usually enjoy.
Time: The amount of time devoted to counting calories, to checking food, to thinking about my intake, thinking about how I look, visiting my GP, therapy (although I don't mind my time being used for this). Time spent doing things that damage my body. Time that could be spent doing things I want to do, not things I feel compelled to do, not these compulsions and rituals I have to obey.

Femininity: Something that my therapist said struck me the other day; when discussing the long absence of my period she said if they come back I have to prepare for the experience of 'becoming a woman again', and this made me think, have I stopped being a woman? I think I've definitely felt a change in my identity, I don't know if I feel like less of a woman but I definitely haven't felt feminine or beautiful in a long time.

Control. I've lost control big time. I like to pretend I'm in control, but that's a lie really. If I was truly in control I'd be able to look after myself and keep myself healthy like I logically understand I should.

My future; So often, I find myself worrying and worrying about how I'll never have a future, how I'll be stuck with this disorder my whole life, how I'll never have a career, how I'll never be loved, how I'll never own my own house, have my own cats, have my own life.

But, this is temporary. At least that's what I'm learning and slowly trying to convince myself of. This moment, though intense and difficult, will pass. It will take time and a whole lot of work and effort on my part but, it has the potential to get better.

So, to start, I thought I'd ask myself to think about what I still have. Instead of fixating on the things I've "lost", I can think about all of the things I still have and even things I've gained from my experience,

Family. The one thing I think that has seriously kept me earthbound. I could not be more grateful for the love and support I've received not just from my parents, but from the whole of my family. I realised they are all behind me, even if we don't speak all the time and as a family are generally pretty pants with talking about our feelings, but I sense that they all believe in me and that they genuinely do love me. It's taking time for me to accept that love, but I know its there and I'm unbelievably grateful for how much they do for me. Throughout this, my mum and dad have been there, they could so easily have given up, but they still believe in me and I cannot thank them enough.

Friends. I still have friends. Though my mind makes me believe I'm alone and that no one likes me, I still have friends. Every day I see them at uni, I am grateful that people still don't mind me being around and that even sometimes I can make people laugh and positively impact their day. I don't underestimate how hard I can be to be around sometimes and I'm so grateful for the days when I've had a full-scale meltdown that friends have been there. I'm especially grateful to Tyler, who despite his wonderful sarcastic nature, has the biggest heart and can give me a hug and not need to say anything because he just knows I need to cry. There are a whole load of others I could name, Maeve, Becky, Em, Beth, Tash, Kate, Megan, Billie, Sophie... the list goes on. Each and every person I study with at uni I'm grateful for because they make me laugh, they make me smile, they make me mad, they make me think, they make me work, but most of all they make me feel included and they make me feel a part of something.

My mind and my body. Though both are ill and both have suffered, both are still functioning. And I should not take that for granted. I should be grateful for the work my body does, it enables me to dance, it enables me to experience life freely. I should be grateful for my mind. For my ability to read. My ability to write. My ability to talk, to sing, to paint, to create, to cycle, to pet my cat. All of these things that I take for granted. Its time I should treat my body and mind with a little more respect (I'm working on it, I promise).

Support. Though its taken its sweet time, I've finally got a stable, consistent support system. I see my mental health coordinator regularly, I see an ED specialist regularly and I see a psychiatrist. I'm going to be starting to see a psychologist soon to start with more CBT too. So all of these things I didn't have before. I've now got them and I'm grateful that I'm finally in the system of care and I'm starting on my journey to getting better.

My freedom. So often when things reach a critical level with eating disorders and you could get hospitalised and become inpatient, a whole lot of freedom and control gets taken away from you. Thankfully I've been spared this so far. So I should be glad I'm still allowed to attend university and live independently and experience life monitored (still get monitored weekly but at least it's not 24/7 like it could potentially be...)

Control. I do still have control. Not over all aspects of my life, but over most. I am the one who has the ability to change things. I may need help from people and from anti-depressants to assist with making those changes, but I am the one ultimately who has to make those decisions. Those tough choices between what is right and what is easy. I have my free-will.

From these struggles I've learnt a great deal about who I am too. I'm learning a lot about what my core values are, what drives me, what motivates me. I'm starting to fathom some of the deep complexities that lie at the root of my issues. It may sound silly but I've matured a lot, suffering with an eating disorder whilst studying for a degree means you have to do quite a bit of growing up and although I wouldn't say I'm at peak adult yet, I've made a lot of progress from who I was when I started uni.

I've learnt that I'm incredibly stubborn. This is both good and bad. I won't let people tell me what I should and shouldn't do. But I also won't let this disease kill me, deep down I know I don't want to let that happen.

I am still me. I am still Lily. There are so many things in life I am grateful for, those things I take for granted like shelter, money, family stability. So many things that I forget I still have. I shouldn't fixate so much on what I've lost. I'll try to remember this post the next time I spiral downwards thinking about missed opportunities and lost time - I can't get those back, but I can work to making the most out of my future.

I send out hope to all of those suffering or who have suffered with eating disorders. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. They destroy lives. It's destroyed mine, its still trying to, but I'm really gradually trying to rebuild,

With love and light, 

Lily