Feeling like spring

Today is perhaps the first day this year that it's felt like spring is finally here. There was a hazy warmth that had settled over the freshly mown grass. Fresh magnolia blooms on the trees. A dosy bumblebee, bravely venturing out, seeking pollen to carry heavy on fuzzy legs.
The warm breath of spring that carried on the slight breeze.

Its times like this that I truly believe the seasons have a large impact on my mood and general mental health. Whether its coincidence that medication and therapy are starting to take effect or simply the increase in vitamin D, but I can feel minute changes.

In winter it feels like things will never get better. I always feel the darkness and cold seep into my bones. It infects my being for months. A cold I can't shake. I find it so hard to find the light. Maybe that is why I'm starting to prefer summer, I used to love autumn, but now I only want the heat and the light. Because I know that if its lighter and brighter I don't have to work as hard to maintain a better mood, somehow it happens naturally.

I just love noticing things shifting slightly. When they've been the same grey cloudy streets you've walked for months you notice when a warm ray of sun spills down through leafy green foliage. There is a palpable sense in people that things are heading towards warmer times, better days, brighter moments.It makes me feel more hopeful.

 Hope you are all well,
Love and light,
Lily

Then | Now

Hello everyone, uni has started back and I'm in kind of a good place. I had a decent past week where I was extremely productive and got all of the work I needed to do done and ready for this week. I'm trying not to let my anxiety get hyped up thinking about things too far in the future that I can't change; because that is a big habit of mine. I've got a busy few weeks ahead, but I can hopefully blast through them and finish my second year in a better place than I started!

 So, I found an excerpt of hurried notes that I'd written a couple of weeks ago when I was in a really dark place, and I thought I'd do a comparison between how I felt then and how I feel now. I think it serves as a reminder to me that even through the darkest of times I have the strength to pull through. Things aren't all butterflies and rainbows now but they are a bit better, and that's what I need to hold onto for now.

Then/Now

I honestly feel like I'm going to be dealing with this forever - I'll be honest, you're right, you'll probably be dealing with some form of this for the rest of your life, but it's the intensity of the issue and how you deal with it that is important. You'll learn to manage and live with it. 

I feel trapped and overwhelmed and out of control and I can't deal with it anymore - You should remember that though it feels this way now, there is always the potential for change.

I want to get out and I can't do this anymore -  I understand, I still feel that I've had enough, but at the moment it's less intense.

I hate it - I hate it, you're right on that count.

I'm in so deep and I don't see a way out - When things get bad, it's always a tendency to spiral downward, you remember all of your therapists talking about the downward spiral and one thing leads to another and you just keep digging down. But if you can make one tiny change for the better, a tiny step forward, it might not even be in the form you expect but it can start off that journey back up the spiral - because it works in reverse too - you can have a positive upward spiral.

I don't want the rest of my life to be dominated by this disease. I don't want to have my time consumed by this fucking disorder - I agree wholeheartedly, I'm still dominated by this disease and I hate how it twists my thinking and my mind. But we're starting to work into it, you just need to be in a settled place so that you can start to implement the work you are beginning to do with therapy.

I don't want to be thirty and still stuck in these disgusting cycles - I really don't want to find myself still in this cycle when I'm older, but I have to remember that people do get out of them, people do recover and start to do better. People live long full healthy lives and I'm just as capable of that if I put my mind to it.

I would rather die than have to deal with this - You are strong. You've dealt with this rough patch, you've made it out the other side, granted not wholly unscathed but you pulled through. You persisted.

Because I don't know if it will be possible to recover fully - It is.

I don't think this will ever be something I can get over. I don't know if I'll ever be free of this disorder

It just keeps going on and on and getting worse and I'm stuck in the same cycles without getting anywhere and I'm fed up. - With hard work and determination and also a lot of pain and suffering, discomfort and challenges, that's how you'll start to free yourself. And you can say all of this now, but its a completely different story to actually do it and put it into practice, but positive affirmations can have an effect.

I honestly want to turn to suicide because I can't cope anymore. It seems like the easy way out. I've not had a good day in so long and I've put on so much weight and I feel so sick and so full and disgusting. And it's just getting worse and out of control and and I can't seem to stop - This is how you felt then. How you feel now is that you acknowledge this dip in your mood, and extreme turmoil that led to a lot of destructive behaviours. Your body changes daily, but you can't be afraid of it constantly. I know you have the obsession with looking perfect but your current ideals aren't healthy. I think for the most part you just want to feel comfortable and able to think freely and able to carry on with your life to the best of your abilities. You may think about suicide, but think about the reasons you stopped yourself. Your family - you know it would destroy them. And your friends - though you don't believe it, but they'd be devastated too. Think about how hard you've worked to get here, don't let all this life go to waste. You've got something inside you, you are just experiencing a really tough time. Acknowledge that and accept all the help you can get. We're nowhere near out of the woods yet but at least we're kind of above ground today... 

To any future me going through another inevitable rough patch - It can get better, you can make it out into the light again. It'll be hell to get there but it's possible, sometimes you just have to hold on. Remember what helps you feel better, do the things you know you need to do that will make you feel better; don't continue to punish yourself doing things you know will just push you deeper. 

It's possible to get better. Sometimes it takes a long, long, looooonnnngggg time, but you have time. Keep going. 

Thank you for reading this, 

love and light 

Lily 

A love for writing

I love writing. I think it is something I've always been interested in and I've never grown bored of capturing my thoughts on paper. I've never stopped keeping a diary since I learnt to write. I've got a mountain of old diaries and notebooks, from a fluffy pink padlocked diary to my current thick paperchase notebook. All full of my thoughts and dreams and all of the things I've been too afraid to voice aloud.

I haven't really ever been good at talking. It can be exhausting. I feel terrified I'll say the wrong words or not get out all I need to say so it's better off that I just don't say anything at all. I used to regret not speaking up, like those times when you think of a witty retort but the moment has long passes; that's what I feel like constantly. But now I feel like I just let it pass without mourning my possible lost contributions to conversation. I don't mind not sharing everything I'm thinking. It makes the times when I do contribute that much more meaningful because they must be important or valuable because I've let the words escape the cage of my mouth.

I enjoy the act of writing too. Its a magical thing when you really break down how we as humans have created language and the ability to write. It is just a bunch of squiggles on a page and yet we can discern so much from these random assortments of letters. Its an incredibly sophisticated and complex system that I so often take for granted. When I remember just how incredible the system of writing is, I feel extremely grateful that I can read and write and feel sad when I think about people in this world that don't have that luxury.

Writing is therapeutic, but it can be frustrating at times. When I know what I want to say in my mind but can't seem to harness the words needed to express myself. Sometimes thoughts, concepts, emotions are just too elusive and phenomenal to pin down. As annoying as this can be, I think its quite beautiful; that your ideas can be so big and unknown that they defy language. That our minds still have the ability to stump language. Which makes it even more satisfying and impressive when you read how someone has somehow managed to capture and illustrate and feeling in such a way that makes perfect relative sense. And its completely gratifying when you read back a sentence you've written and re-written a thousand times to see it finally reads just how you need it to and it perfectly captures what you have in your mind.

I get frustrated when I can't write my academic work. I don't know why its so hard sometimes. I can write a 1000+ word blog in under 15 minutes, but an essay? That can take weeks. I think I need to trust myself more. I have this tendency to edit myself off the page. I assume what I'm thinking won't work on paper so I don't even make the attempt to put it down. It leaves me with very little to work with and I get stuck in this cycle of procrastination and putting myself off writing because I fear I'll never write the perfect essay. Which isn't helpful. My journalism teacher always says that when you tense up and get in your head, your brain tenses up too and you can't write. But with a relaxed brain, you find that words flow and you soon have too much to deal with and consequently need to edit a lot.

I guess I'm constantly growing and learning as a writer. I've never considered myself as a writer, it has just been something I've always done. There is something I relish in reading my own thoughts in the future, looking back to see where in life I had found myself in that moment. Like little time-capsules, giving you an insight into your mind. Even things I've written yesterday feel like a different me to where I am currently. We constantly shift and change and writing is a way of documenting that never fails.

I hope you've enjoyed these ramblings about writing, I'm sure I could edit this blog and make it say what I need it to in a more poetic/clean/tidy/eloquent way but, its come straight from my head and I don't feel like editing myself. This is my authentic stream-of-consciousness and thank you for reading,

Love and light.
Lily

Friends in your ears

Growing in popularity in recent years through platforms like Spotify, YouTube and itunes; podcasts are an excellent form of entertainment and the range of subjects and formats continues to expand and develop. For those not in the know, a podcast is a digital audio file that can be downloaded or streamed. When it comes to podcasts, I think I'm quite picky...

Firstly, I have to get on with the persons voices if I'm to engage with the podcast and pay attention to what someone is saying, rather than be fixated on someones voice because I find it irritating! There was once a Game of Thrones podcast I tried getting into, but couldn't make it past five minutes because one of the hosts had a habit of taking really deep breaths in between sentences and for some reason my hyper-sensitive brain was just like 'nope, can't concentrate, can only hear rEALLY LOUD BREATHING' so I gave up on that one... But once you do find voices you like, it makes the whole experience so much more enjoyable!

Secondly, the topics. I usually find myself drawn to podcasts that discuss something I already have an interest in. For example a television series or books, because I've probably exhausted all other avenues of reliving that show, so find podcasts as another fix for my obsessions. Take for example Game of Thrones, I'd finished the latest season and really wanted more, but until the next season arrives, I found a podcast that discussed each episode in detail and thought 'Oh yes, here wE GO, MORE NERDS THAT SHARE MY LOVE'. And that is really what's great about podcasts, they usually are hosted by passionate people, who enjoy discussing their passions. I adore information and absorb learning so I seek it anywhere I can get it.

Thirdly, they can be so relaxing and comforting. As someone who enjoys their own company a lot (aka, bit of a loner), I find podcasts to be a great relief when you want to listen to other people but don't have the energy to engage yourself in the conversation.  It's a great form of entertainment, boring bus journey or walk to uni? Listen to a podcast! I like to switch between music and podcasts, especially when I'm a bit tired of the music I've been listening too recently. I think podcasts are a great combination of entertainment and education, in a really easy format that is accessible to many.


So, I thought I'd discuss a few of the podcasts I love, there are thousands of different podcasts around and you can find so many different topics but these are some of my favourite recommendations:


RuPaul: What's the tee? With Michelle Visage
 In this podcast RuPaul and his co host Michelle Visage discuss pop culture, advice, beauty advice and behind the scenes of their hit show, RuPaul's Drag Race. 

This was the first ever podcast I started listening to! After devouring all of the RuPauls's drag race on Netflix and YouTube, I needed more RuPaul so I started listening to this podcast with Queen Ru herself and the wonderful Michelle Visage. Each week they usually have a guest with whom they discuss careers, life stories and they give such wonderful advice and share so much experience. For me its been helpful in my journey of discovering more about LGBTQ+ culture and the drag community and it's just so damn hilarious. They have a wonderful balance of sincere deep meaningful reflective discussions and irreverent comedy, I definitely would recommend this to drag race fans and anyone into LGBTQ+ culture.

Some fave episodes -  Ep 102:Natasha Lyonne, Ep 36: The crunch heard around the world with Shangela, Ep 114: Tracee Ellis Ross, Ep 81: Ear Hair Trimmers


Jenna and Julien Podcast 
Welcome to the Jenna & Julien Podcast where we talk about all the things. If you are looking for your everyday, normal, by the book podcast, then you're in the wrong place.

This podcast can be found on YouTube and its hosted by two of my favourite youtubers. Each week they either have discussions, have guests or play games and just have fun. I find them hilarious and some of my favourite episodes are where they play fun games and just goof about!

Some fave episodes - #22: Playing the Newlywed Game, #36: Dog Stories, #121: Christine and Elijah, #144: Don't get me started


Harry Potter and the Sacred text 
It's the English class you didn't know you missed and the meaningful conversations you didn't know you craved. Join Vanessa Zoltan and Casper ter Kuile as they bring thought, reflection and laughter to Harry Potter; not just as novels, but as instructive and inspirational texts that will teach us about our own lives.

As a Potterhead, this podcast is really great to listen to people analysing the books and looking at them on a much deeper level. From the title it may sound like its really religious, and the hosts are both quite religious, but its in no way imposing religion onto these books. In fact it is more of a literature podcast, delving into the Harry Potter books to find meaning and inspiration that can teach more about our own lives. They are really great and uplifting and its brilliant to re-look at a series of books I've loved for so long.

Some fave episodes - Friendship:Halloween (Book 1, Ch 10), Responsibility: The Whomping Willow (Book 2, Ch 5), Sanctuary: Aragog (Book 2, Ch 15)


The Heart of it with Estee Lalonde 
In this series, lifestyle blogger and author, Estee Lalonde explores subjects close to her heart through the unique experiences and perspectives of her guests. 

I think the format of this podcast is what I most enjoy, rather than just straight discussion, Estee combines segments of her own thoughts, with interviews and sound clips. I find this podcast to be really chill and I find Estee a really inspiring woman and love the variety of topics she discusses; which are always interesting and significant to her.

Some fave episodes: Strength, Mom, Feminism, Tattoos


Game of Microphones: A Game of Thrones podcast
Join us each week as we go in-depth and celebrate this amazing, dark, complex show, Game of Thrones. 

There are a load of GoT themed podcasts available but this is one of my favourites. They discuss each episode and they have this format of talking about different moments, characters, story lines or themes from the episode and discuss and rank them in order.

Some fave episodes: 12: Hardhome (S5E8), 26: Battle of the Bastards (S6E9), 35: The Spoils of War (S7E4)

I hope you've enjoyed this post, I urge you to search for podcasts, there are so many genres and so much to discover and its so easy to learn - just put some headphones in and let your brain go on a journey!

With love and light,
Lily

Feeling Kind Of Down

Insight into a current state of mind 

So, I wrote this when I was in a bad way, right now I feel the same way, but when you read this maybe I’ll be feeling different! However, I wanted to put this out there, it’s my impression of my thoughts and emotions and my lack of communicative ability when I’m feeling down and in a deeper depression.  I’d say enjoy but perhaps that’s a bit too much irony, even for me…

 Whenever I feel sad/depressed/low whatever you want to call it, the hardest thing I find to do is to communicate. It’s not like I’m a small baby who can just cry and scream whenever something is bothering me (I wish that was acceptable communication for an almost-20-year-old) but I’m not, so I should communicate using my big grown up words. The trouble is, when I feel low, I can’t easily let someone else know how I feel or explain why I might be behaving a certain way.

I am often wondering why this is. I can communicate well when I’m happy? when I’m angry I can shout or stomp off in a huff? But when I feel absolutely miserable, I barely have the energy to make eye-contact with anyone. Is this because I just don’t have the words to describe how I feel? Oh, but I do: miserable, worthless, depressed, dull. I feel like a burnt-out candle that has been left to sit around on a shelf, gathering dust and losing its scent. I feel that, even when I’m naked, the heavy weight of a rucksack sits on my shoulders. I feel like the gloom of a day where the sun never once makes an appearance through the grey blanket of cloud. I can put words to how I feel, but the thing is, everyone always asks ‘why?’. And that is the part I struggle with.

When you are depressed, there may never be a reason for why you feel a certain way except the imbalanced levels of chemical in your brain; and it can be hard for others to grasp this concept. They need a solid concrete answer because I guess that way it might be easier for them to find a solution to how you feel. People always want to make you feel better, maybe because they love you and want to help or maybe because they can’t bear to be around you when you are a moping maudlin mess. Either way, it seems to be programmed into us that we need to have words and explanations for everything, and sometimes for me that is just not possible.

I feel guilty for not being able to let people into my mind, to give them at least some idea why I’m behaving the way I am. I leave them with no clue as to what is wrong or how they can help me. I feel dreadful for my family who don’t know how to talk to me or who feel like they need to tiptoe around me when I’m like this. It sucks, and I hate feeling trapped in my own vacuum of silence.

Of course, I know I won’t feel this way forever, maybe not even for the whole week, but right now I feel content to let this feeling wash over me, maybe I’ll settle in it for a while, but you know what? That’s okay. It’s okay to let your emotions lead you around for a moment. However, the thing I am working on is how to deal with my life surrounding the immediate bubble of my mind. I think I’m learning to manage and cope when I have deeper depressive episodes, I no longer sit for days in my room, isolated and stagnant; partially because I have work and parents who thankfully prod me into action, but also because I’ve learnt I can juggle my mental health and my life. This is not to say I don’t have days where I want nothing more than to lay in bed and stare at the ceiling for hours and hours. But I’m learning. 

This post started talking about me and my inability to communicate but I guess this post is evidence that I’ve just managed to communicate something. In real life, it is a lot harder, but for now, writing is okay and if even one person reads this then I’ve communicated, and that is good enough for now.

Thank you for witnessing and somewhat validating me,

Love and light,

Lily 

❍ 

‘You are walking around with your head on fire and no one can see the flames’ – Matt Haig, Reasons To Stay Alive

Goodbye hair!

I should probably preface this with a trigger warning – I talk about feeling extremely low and mention suicide.

I cut off my hair

Why? I’m not entirely sure. I’ve been really struggling recently, and I think it culminated in me having a breakdown and literally taking the scissors to my own hair and hacking at it. Which has left me with pretty a short haircut. My mum says it looks cute but to be honest, its ugly and I think I hate it. Its going to take a lot of getting used to and its not going to look okay until it grows out a bit…

So, why is it that when you feel out of control your hair gets the brunt of your anger? I’ve cut my own hair before but never out of rage or out of feeling severely depressed and uncontrolled.

What does my hair symbolise for me and what does it mean to sever it all off? I’ve grown to severely dislike my hair recently because it’s become very thin and I can’t get it to look nice. I’ve kind of given up on it and I think I thought ‘you know what, lets just fuck it up even more because I can’t look any uglier’ – and guess what, I really can… 

Fuck my life. Honestly. Things feel horrendous and I spend everyday at the pit of this depression. And I don’t feel like I’ll ever be getting out of it. Suicide has been on my mind. Its felt like the option for me with the least resistance and the least amount of pain. Of course, this pain would be felt by my family and my friends if I did commit suicide. The pain doesn’t just go away if I don’t feel it – its felt by other people around me. I don’t want to destroy my family even further, but I feel like ending it is the only option left to me at this point. I’m so sick and tired of feeling this way and I have said multiple times this past week that I can’t do it anymore. And this time it feels different, this time its very true- before I’ve said it and there has been a hint of untruth to those words leaving my mouth. But this time, I let them escape and they sit there in the air around me and reinforce that thought that I really can’t go on living like this. 

The thing is, I don’t know how to change things. I see people now and I’m in therapy but it’s not helping. I don’t really feel like its helping anything. I see one person for my eating disorder and another for my general mental health, but its all linked. It isn’t separate at all. Having this separation between myself and my mind is wrenching me apart. My eating disorder isn’t a separate part of my mental health – it’s a huge part of it and its ridiculous for me to try and tackle things separately. Because when I’m seeing my non-ED specialist and things about my ED come up it feels like a barrier and I feel like I can’t talk freely, and this seriously inhibits me getting any benefits from the therapy. I hate it and I feel like I can’t say anything because then the support might get taken away. I’m scared of admitting I’m suffering and I’m in this place right now because I want to keep up this pretence that I’m doing okay and I’m strong enough. Because I’m do terrify of people thinking I’m weak. Because that’s when things get taken away from me and that is what I hate. 

I don’t know where my mind it at. I hate my eating disorder for taking so much away from me. But I also hate myself for not being strong enough. I hate myself for how fat I am right now. I’ve put on weight and this distresses me to no end. I feel like I’m behind on uni work. I know what I want to work on and I am really interested in my work right now, but I find it so difficult to concentrate on anything. I am so all over the place. I sat on the bus today and cried in public. I hate crying in public, but I felt so low I didn’t even care, I just let the tears roll down my cheeks. It’s the feeling of no longer caring that scares me most – When I did care this was at least a little tie to the world but when I don’t care it doesn’t stop me from destroying myself. It was once a safety net – that I still cared a tiny bit about myself, but now, that’s gone. So, I feel unstable and free-floating in the world.

I don’t want to ruin my final few weeks of this semester at uni. I’ve got to make my way through it. But I don’t know if I’m going to. I’ve not had a good day in weeks. Things just keep spiralling downwards and out of control and I can’t pull myself out of this shit-hole.

So, this started off as a post about cutting my hair, but it poured out into me explaining how much of a shit-hole I’m in right now. Things are all a nightmare right now and I wish I could have a day without thinking about how horrific I feel. Minutes feel like hours and I feel like I’m dragging myself through each day, but time is also slipping away and I’m wasting days to this illness.

Who knows where I’ll be next week. Next month. In three months. In a year. I’m so sick and tired. So exhausted and I feel so low and out of control.

Sorry if this post is a lot, 

love and light, 

Lily