A love for writing

I love writing. I think it is something I've always been interested in and I've never grown bored of capturing my thoughts on paper. I've never stopped keeping a diary since I learnt to write. I've got a mountain of old diaries and notebooks, from a fluffy pink padlocked diary to my current thick paperchase notebook. All full of my thoughts and dreams and all of the things I've been too afraid to voice aloud.

I haven't really ever been good at talking. It can be exhausting. I feel terrified I'll say the wrong words or not get out all I need to say so it's better off that I just don't say anything at all. I used to regret not speaking up, like those times when you think of a witty retort but the moment has long passes; that's what I feel like constantly. But now I feel like I just let it pass without mourning my possible lost contributions to conversation. I don't mind not sharing everything I'm thinking. It makes the times when I do contribute that much more meaningful because they must be important or valuable because I've let the words escape the cage of my mouth.

I enjoy the act of writing too. Its a magical thing when you really break down how we as humans have created language and the ability to write. It is just a bunch of squiggles on a page and yet we can discern so much from these random assortments of letters. Its an incredibly sophisticated and complex system that I so often take for granted. When I remember just how incredible the system of writing is, I feel extremely grateful that I can read and write and feel sad when I think about people in this world that don't have that luxury.

Writing is therapeutic, but it can be frustrating at times. When I know what I want to say in my mind but can't seem to harness the words needed to express myself. Sometimes thoughts, concepts, emotions are just too elusive and phenomenal to pin down. As annoying as this can be, I think its quite beautiful; that your ideas can be so big and unknown that they defy language. That our minds still have the ability to stump language. Which makes it even more satisfying and impressive when you read how someone has somehow managed to capture and illustrate and feeling in such a way that makes perfect relative sense. And its completely gratifying when you read back a sentence you've written and re-written a thousand times to see it finally reads just how you need it to and it perfectly captures what you have in your mind.

I get frustrated when I can't write my academic work. I don't know why its so hard sometimes. I can write a 1000+ word blog in under 15 minutes, but an essay? That can take weeks. I think I need to trust myself more. I have this tendency to edit myself off the page. I assume what I'm thinking won't work on paper so I don't even make the attempt to put it down. It leaves me with very little to work with and I get stuck in this cycle of procrastination and putting myself off writing because I fear I'll never write the perfect essay. Which isn't helpful. My journalism teacher always says that when you tense up and get in your head, your brain tenses up too and you can't write. But with a relaxed brain, you find that words flow and you soon have too much to deal with and consequently need to edit a lot.

I guess I'm constantly growing and learning as a writer. I've never considered myself as a writer, it has just been something I've always done. There is something I relish in reading my own thoughts in the future, looking back to see where in life I had found myself in that moment. Like little time-capsules, giving you an insight into your mind. Even things I've written yesterday feel like a different me to where I am currently. We constantly shift and change and writing is a way of documenting that never fails.

I hope you've enjoyed these ramblings about writing, I'm sure I could edit this blog and make it say what I need it to in a more poetic/clean/tidy/eloquent way but, its come straight from my head and I don't feel like editing myself. This is my authentic stream-of-consciousness and thank you for reading,

Love and light.
Lily