Then | Now

Hello everyone, uni has started back and I'm in kind of a good place. I had a decent past week where I was extremely productive and got all of the work I needed to do done and ready for this week. I'm trying not to let my anxiety get hyped up thinking about things too far in the future that I can't change; because that is a big habit of mine. I've got a busy few weeks ahead, but I can hopefully blast through them and finish my second year in a better place than I started!

 So, I found an excerpt of hurried notes that I'd written a couple of weeks ago when I was in a really dark place, and I thought I'd do a comparison between how I felt then and how I feel now. I think it serves as a reminder to me that even through the darkest of times I have the strength to pull through. Things aren't all butterflies and rainbows now but they are a bit better, and that's what I need to hold onto for now.

Then/Now

I honestly feel like I'm going to be dealing with this forever - I'll be honest, you're right, you'll probably be dealing with some form of this for the rest of your life, but it's the intensity of the issue and how you deal with it that is important. You'll learn to manage and live with it. 

I feel trapped and overwhelmed and out of control and I can't deal with it anymore - You should remember that though it feels this way now, there is always the potential for change.

I want to get out and I can't do this anymore -  I understand, I still feel that I've had enough, but at the moment it's less intense.

I hate it - I hate it, you're right on that count.

I'm in so deep and I don't see a way out - When things get bad, it's always a tendency to spiral downward, you remember all of your therapists talking about the downward spiral and one thing leads to another and you just keep digging down. But if you can make one tiny change for the better, a tiny step forward, it might not even be in the form you expect but it can start off that journey back up the spiral - because it works in reverse too - you can have a positive upward spiral.

I don't want the rest of my life to be dominated by this disease. I don't want to have my time consumed by this fucking disorder - I agree wholeheartedly, I'm still dominated by this disease and I hate how it twists my thinking and my mind. But we're starting to work into it, you just need to be in a settled place so that you can start to implement the work you are beginning to do with therapy.

I don't want to be thirty and still stuck in these disgusting cycles - I really don't want to find myself still in this cycle when I'm older, but I have to remember that people do get out of them, people do recover and start to do better. People live long full healthy lives and I'm just as capable of that if I put my mind to it.

I would rather die than have to deal with this - You are strong. You've dealt with this rough patch, you've made it out the other side, granted not wholly unscathed but you pulled through. You persisted.

Because I don't know if it will be possible to recover fully - It is.

I don't think this will ever be something I can get over. I don't know if I'll ever be free of this disorder

It just keeps going on and on and getting worse and I'm stuck in the same cycles without getting anywhere and I'm fed up. - With hard work and determination and also a lot of pain and suffering, discomfort and challenges, that's how you'll start to free yourself. And you can say all of this now, but its a completely different story to actually do it and put it into practice, but positive affirmations can have an effect.

I honestly want to turn to suicide because I can't cope anymore. It seems like the easy way out. I've not had a good day in so long and I've put on so much weight and I feel so sick and so full and disgusting. And it's just getting worse and out of control and and I can't seem to stop - This is how you felt then. How you feel now is that you acknowledge this dip in your mood, and extreme turmoil that led to a lot of destructive behaviours. Your body changes daily, but you can't be afraid of it constantly. I know you have the obsession with looking perfect but your current ideals aren't healthy. I think for the most part you just want to feel comfortable and able to think freely and able to carry on with your life to the best of your abilities. You may think about suicide, but think about the reasons you stopped yourself. Your family - you know it would destroy them. And your friends - though you don't believe it, but they'd be devastated too. Think about how hard you've worked to get here, don't let all this life go to waste. You've got something inside you, you are just experiencing a really tough time. Acknowledge that and accept all the help you can get. We're nowhere near out of the woods yet but at least we're kind of above ground today... 

To any future me going through another inevitable rough patch - It can get better, you can make it out into the light again. It'll be hell to get there but it's possible, sometimes you just have to hold on. Remember what helps you feel better, do the things you know you need to do that will make you feel better; don't continue to punish yourself doing things you know will just push you deeper. 

It's possible to get better. Sometimes it takes a long, long, looooonnnngggg time, but you have time. Keep going. 

Thank you for reading this, 

love and light 

Lily