Hello! This is a little things I wrote last week when I found myself having a 'good'-ish day, its rough around the edges and I doubt it'll make much sense but its just a few thoughts. I hope I can have more of these days soon...
I thought I'd write a little about this feeling I seem to get when I have a good day. So often my days/weeks/months have been pretty shit and it feels like there hasn't even been a single good or even mildly positive day in a long while. Each day for the past few months has in some way ended negatively or something not great has happened. It's been like this for so long, my anxiety and depression haven't seemed to ease or let up, so it has kind of become the 'norm' for me. I've come to not expect anything good happening during my days. I've developed this thinking that the day will always be bad because that's just how it is now. And maybe that is a reason why the days have been bad? Has it been this thinking that has just made me have more bad days and has prevented me from making the day better. I think maybe sometimes I just assume its going to be a 'not good' day so I let myself slip into familiar destructive patterns and habits that characterise bad days; even when maybe the day could've have been a positive one?
And when I have a day where things are kind of okay, a day where my anxiety isn't too bad, a day where my ED isn't screaming as loudly at me or just a day where my mood is a bit lighter - it feels alien and weird. I think I reject it because its so unusual for me to feel good, and this can inhibit me experiencing what is good in that day. It makes me not appreciate when good things have happened.
And I also believe I don't deserve to have good days, that I'm not someone worthy of feeling happy. It's kind of miserable really, and frustrating. Why brain can you not let me experience this happy feeling? And it even takes me a while to recognise that what I'm feeling is maybe happiness - I'm reluctant even now to call it 'happiness' because the potential thing I'm feeling could be false, or not even a fraction of what happiness could actually be.
And it scares me to have a good day sometimes. I get scared that this means I'm no longer ill? For some reason my brain convinces itself that because I've had this one instance of lifted mood, I'll no longer be considered ill. Consequently meaning that I'm no longer in need of the support I''m currently waiting for, that the mental health service will think I'm no longer struggling so they'll discharge me. That's just one of my anxieties at the moment, surrounding MH services and my current position in the system. Right now I'm in limbo, they are aware of my situation but its taking an awful long time for them to figure out or allocate the support I need. (I could do a big old rant about MH services, pressure on the NHS and how support is allocated and often denied or delayed - but I'll save that for another post).
Anyway, I think what I'm trying to get at today is that I had an alright day (I don't think I can bring myself to say 'good' or 'great' yet). My day has been labelled as good because:
- I've enjoyed a ballet class at uni,
- I've done some interesting reading on Gustav Klimt,
- I had a really interesting lecture all about research (research = library time = me geeking out about dance stuff)
- I've managed to not give into a destructive coping mechanism
- I'm going to bed feeling tired but positive and excited for future learning.
Yet still I'm scared. I'm scared for this feeling not lasting. I know that inevitably, things won't always be okay, I might go right back down the spiral again, I'm nowhere near recovered or anyway out of the deep spiral. But I could take this as a brief blip in things, a moment of respite. I need to understand it's okay to have ups and downs. And I guess its good that even without professional psychological and psychiatric help I've managed to regulate my mood at a slightly elevated level for just a day. Maybe I should be proud of that? And maybe I should be hopeful that with future support in place and by working with MH services, I'll have more of these days, until eventually I work things out enough that things level out to not be as low as they are right now.
Its an odd thing feeling an emotion, a state of being, a mood and yet, not being able to fully acknowledge or experience it because you are so scared of its existence and find it safer to deny and suppress it.
Anyway, I'll leave this here for now, sorry for the rambling but it helps me to document how I feel and what I'm experiencing!
With love and light,
Lily
Monday, 22 January 2018
Books, glorious books!
Hello,
I hope you are having a positive, peaceful day whenever you should be reading this!
So, January seems to be flying by already and 2018 is well under way. This year one of my goals is to get back into reading. I've always been a big bookworm, but recently I've neglected the wonder of fictional worlds concealed within books. I think it has partially been due to the fact at uni I barely have the time to read the books on my reading lists let alone find time for recreational reading! However, when I do have spare time, usually over holidays, I fall back in love with books and wonder why I ever stop.
Last year I think I read around 10 or so books (I didn't keep track!), which, though pretty low, is a better number than none. And this coming year I've set a goal to read 25 books, a pretty achievable target that hopefully I can surpass. I've already finished a few books in 2018 and I'm onto the next (which is The First Fifteen Lives of Harry August by Claire North, so far so good!), so we're off to a good start.
I thought I'd do a little review of some of the books I read last year and then list some of the books on my reading list that I'm looking forward to! A lot of these books I read over the summer so my memory is a little rusty but I'll add in some blurbs for ones I feel need it!
So, without futher ado, lets get started...
It's Kind Of A Funny Story - Ned VizziniIn this book, we follow the story of near-suicidal 16 year old Craig as he checks himself into a psychiatric ward on which he spends a week meeting a cast of interesting characters and, where isolated from the crushing pressures of school and friends, he is finally able to confront the sources of his anxiety.
I found it to be refreshingly realistic in its portrayal of mental health, especially from the viewpoint of a young male. There was very little cliche which speaks to the experience of the writer Vizzini who based this off of his own experiences with mental illness and hospitalisation. There was a good balance between humour and sober realism and I felt that Vizzini deals with the complexitiy of adolescent mental health and the pressures of youth very well.
I felt hopeful and positive upon finishing it and thankfully the book doesn't conclude in an artificially cheerful way, but left me with the realisitc message that with time and with hard work on your own part, things can improve. It helped me to acknowledge some of my own anxieties I saw reflected in Craig's story.
Overall rating 4/5
If You Find Me - Emily Murdoch
What happens in the woods, stays in the woods. . .
Carey is keeping a terrible secret. If she tells, it could destroy her future. If she doesn't, will she ever be free?
This story follows Carey and her young sister who have been living in the woods in a caravan for years, abandoned by their unstable mother. Until one day they are discovered and returned to civilisation...
This is a great book about the bonds of family and how they can be a source of protection yet also potential restrictions to freedom. I really enjoyed the mystery behind the character's stories and how their past unravels as they create new futures for themselves in this new unknown society.
Overall rating: 3.5/5
Only Ever Yours - Louise O'Neill
eves are designed, not made.
The School trains them to be pretty
The School trains them to be good.
The School trains them to Always be Willing.
Well, this book had quite a substantial impact on me! It's super dark and follows these girls called 'eve's' who attend a school in which their learning prepares them to go into the world to serve men either as companions, concubines or by returning to the schools and living in chastity. It makes an incredibly interesting statement about the pressures placed on young women and how striving for perfection can completely destroy you. Although the setting is this dystopian world, the stories are completely relatable and each character faces a myriad of problems that young women deal with; social status, hierarchy, friendships, eating disorders and sexuality.
It sucks you in and gets under your skin. I'd recommend maybe not devouring it in a day like I did, because of how much it grips you and how I felt completely dettached and spaced out for at least a day afterward, but once I was sucked in there was no pacing myself!
I'd also recommend another of Louise O'Neill's books called 'Asking For It'.
Overall rating 4.5/5
Ink - Alice Broadway
Every action, every deed, every significant moment is tattooed on your
skin for ever. When Leora's father dies, she is determined to see her
father remembered forever. She knows he deserves to have all his tattoos
removed and made into a Skin Book to stand as a record of his good
life. But when she discovers that his ink has been edited and his book
is incomplete, she wonders whether she ever knew him at all.I liked the premise of this book but felt the writing just didn't deliver all that I wanted from the story. It's such a shame because the ideas surrounding the folklore and mystery of the mythology in this story had potential but just weren't elaborately explored. I finished it feeling there was still half of the story left untold, however upon futher research I think there might be a sequel to this book so I'll need to look into that!
I really enjoyed the whole concept about tattoos having such deep meaning to your life story and how much they say about who we are. It also made me just want to get all of the tattoos!!
Overall rating 2.5/5
The Wonder - Emma Donoghue
An eleven-year-old girl stops eating, but remains miraculously alive and well. A nurse, sent to investigate whether she is a fraud, meets a journalist hungry for a story.
Now, I was reeled in by the mystery of this potential miracle child surviving without food for months, and I was truly intrigued! I won't reveal any spoilers but to be honest in the end I thought the story a little dull and the plot slow. It's not to deny how I enjoyed the insights into life in rural Catholic Ireland in the 1850's and I took pleasure in the simplicity at which life seemed to revolve around work, family and religion. There is a good atmosphere generated in this book but I found myself wondering if the same thing was going to go on for the entirety of the book and it pretty much did!
In all, it's not a terrible book but it also wasn't the most engaging read and I didn't find myself building much of a connection to the main character either, which it think also contributed to the dragging of the narrative.
Overall rating 2/5
Animal Farm - George Orwell
Everyone is equal, but some are more equal than others...
Like most school children I read this in English class but I thought I'd give this a reread, and it was still as powerful and satirical as it was back when I studied it!
I forgot how much I enjoy the irony and satire and I feel like everyone should read this at least once in their life! Orwell's use of analogy is still so instructive as to explain society and how power corrupts.
I think maybe this year I might read some more of Orwell's work and other classics in literature that I may previously have been a bit afraid of! I don't know why but there is something so much more comforting about a familiar piece of YA fiction to fall back on! But here's to more reading challenges!
Overall rating: 5/5
Milk and Honey - Rupi KaurA collection of poetry and prose about survival. About the experience of violence, abuse, love, loss, and femininity.
An immensely popular book in 2017, I fell in love with the poetry of Kaur and found myself finishing it in under a day with many a tear shed at the beauty of her words.
It's hard to describe how brilliant it is to find an emotion encapsulated so easily within someone words and you just think 'yes that is EXACTLY how I feel!'. And the illustrations that accompany the prose really make this book a treat to read. It got me back into reading poetry and although a lot of people seem to satirise this work and don't see it as 'proper poetry', I think there is a great deal of bravery in Rupi Kaur's work and she unashamedly confronts issues of love, violence, abuse, sexuality and femininity.
Overall rating: 5/5
So, I hope this post has been okay! It took me quite a while to recall what I thought of each book and it made me want to go back and re-read a few of them because I'd forgotten how much I'd enjoyed them the first time!
But I'm keeping track of all my books this year via the Goodreads app which has so far been super useful in organising my reading and also spurs me on to keep reading and working to my challenge of 25 books in a year! I'm on book 10 now so I feel like my reading fire has been re-kindled (that's a terrible pun... and considering I don't even own a kindle...). I'm going to try keep a record of my thoughts on what I've read so that come this time next year I have a better recollection of what I thought which will hopefully provide better reviews that these have been!
As for now, I'm off to read some more - I'm so glad I've rediscovered this love!
Love and light,
Lily
Saturday, 20 January 2018
First week back
So, it's a Saturday and I've survived my first week back at Uni and I'm pretty exhausted! As tired as my body and brain are, it has been great to get back to learning and moving everyday. As much as holidays are sometimes needed, they seem to drag by the end and I always prefer being active and productive at uni.
I thought I'd share a little about how my week has gone and what I've been up to; I thought it'd be a bit more interesting to do a day-by-day recap - kind of like a diary of my week!
MONDAY
- I woke up ready to start the day and was then hit with a gigantic wave of anxiety and immediately thought ABORT MISSION - CAN'T DO IT. So before I completely abandoned the day, I did what I usually do when I can't function and I phoned my mum. But, after a good old mum pep talk, I pulled myself together, threw on my leotard and made my way to uni!
- Had my first ballet class back - hello leg muscles? Where have you been slumbering? It felt good to get back in the studio, if not a little daunting.
- It wouldn't be a first day back without a visit to my favourite building on campus - the library. If I have a free period its where you'll most likely find me! I love surrounding myself with books and doing things like writing and research (even when we have no assignments set yet...)
- I realised how much I'd missed human contact and felt myself enjoy the social aspect of Uni - particularly in our contemporary class in the afternoon. Being surrounded by other sweaty, moving bodies, I managed to forget for a while about other less fun things and just remember how much I enjoy the feeling of moving and the freedom of dancing.
Today's wisdom - Even though the day got off to a terrible start, I kept going and finished the day glad to be dancing again and being active. So I need to remember to push through and things will always be better in the end.
TUESDAY
- A better morning! The sun was out and the sky was a lovely, clear bright blue on my walk in.
- I had a really good ballet lesson with a teacher I've not had for a while. I worked up a sweat and it felt refreshing to actually finish a ballet class and have enjoyed it. For a long while I've lost my interest in ballet, but the teacher and this class gave me a bit of hope again!
- Once more I visited the library and remember how irritated I can get by people in the silent area... Why is it that despite the gigantic sign saying 'Please be quiet in this area', people still feel the need to have conversations at the top of their voice?!? I guess as good as social interaction and human contact is, there is also the downsides to being around humans too!
- Then the afternoon was filled with a lecture as part of our research methodologies module. It sounds fancy but it's essentially about getting us prepared to start on our dissertations by learning how to research things properly and in-depth. I actually really enjoy theory lessons so it was good to get my brain going by discussing all things dance and research!
Today's wisdom - Widening your field of learning. I got quite excited thinking about dissertations and being able to write and research about something I had a real genuine invested interest in. So this semester I'm going to aim to really get stuck in with my theoretical studies and be open to learning as much as I can!
WEDNESDAY
- Ouchie ouchie, feeling the pain this morning! I think it's always the third day after that I start to feel the ache from being back dancing and I could certainly feel it in our contemporary class this morning. I'd forgotten how it feels to be covered in bruises!
-In the afternoon I has a pretty difficult time: I'm just starting to get into the mental health services here in Chichester so things are all a bit up in the air and very overwhelming but I've started meeting with a psychiatric nurse (sounds scary - but she's okay). And I think I've been expecting things to just be really great with starting to get support but in truth I'm finding it extremely painful and difficult to open up and start talking so I just end up a frustrated, sobbing mess and leave often feeling worse than I did when I entered.
- When I calmed down in the evening I started doing some research for choreography. I always find this stage of the process to be the fun part! You can just read and watch loads and not have to make or write anything yet!
Today's wisdom - Things are going to be difficult and not change immediately. It will take time for me to get better and I need to get used to that, but as long as I try remain positive things will slowly start to shift.
THURSDAY
- Somehow my leg muscles are even more sore this morning and I definitely felt the return to dancing everyday on my walk to uni. As I was walking along, it was so exciting to notice that through the dull muddy patches of grass and soil, the fresh green shoots of crocuses and daffodils were emerging. I always find these signs of Spring spur on a sense of positivity and serve as a reminder of warmer times to come.
- Had my first choreography lesson this semester, which was thoroughly engaging and got my creative brain all fired up once more. It's so interesting to be in a class full of so many wonderful people, who all have such diverse ideas and interests and ways of moving. It also feels like we are actual proper second years now - not just 'kind of no longer first years' anymore.
- I sat with friends during a break between classes and it felt so nice to be included and surrounded by people, especially after I've spent a while feeling so isolated and lonely. As much as I can I need to take these opportunities to connect with people and make the effort to socialise otherwise I'm just adding to my problems if I choose to isolate myself.
Today's wisdom - I've been struggling with my anxiety and over thinking about the future so today I found myself needing to slow down and pace my thoughts a bit; try not to stress over things I need to get done. Hopefully my worries will resolve themselves I should just try not to give them so much thought and not give my anxiety the power to overwhelm me,
FRIDAY
- This morning I had such an amazing contemporary class! Though it was tough and I pushed myself, I really enjoyed it and thought how lucky I was to have our teacher Abi; even in that hour and a half she gave us so much to think about and so much feedback and information to help improve our technique.
- I caught up on some work in the library (again) and I watched the latest episode of Big Cats on BBC IPlayer - to top up my daily dose of cat love. This week they looked at some of the smallest wild cats, e.g. the Pallas Cat who is adorably fluffy and wild.
- Had my first taste of Repertoire class which I think just about finished my body off for the week! I have to say, having a high-energy, extremely physically demanding class last thing on a Friday is going to be a challenge for this semester but I can already tell I'm going to get a lot stronger and build my stamina in that class! Our teacher Carmine really demands the highest energy from everyone so he can work with us - otherwise he's not inspired! So, we all pushed ourselves and realised how hard we're going to be working in this class and in the piece he's choreographing!
Today's wisdom - If you don't push yourself in class, you aren't going to improve your technique. If you continue working at the same level, you aren't going to get any better - something I've learnt from both of today's lessons. Hopefully over the semester I can continue to remember this and keep pushing for improvement; whilst still staying safe, healthy and not injured!
So, that's a rough outline of my week! It's been up and down, I'm realising how it feels again to be at a constant moderate level of stress and anxiety but I'll get used to it. I think I'm going to the majority of my classes this semester and I'm really hopeful I can make progress especially in technique which I struggled with last year due to my mental health. But I'm going to be getting proper support soon, and with that, hopefully I can return to peak studying condition and make the most of my time at uni.
For now, I'm going to rest my bruised and achey body, glad to be back learning and surrounded by friends. I've got my aunties and granddad visiting Sunday so that'll be a lovely time, we're going bowling!
I hope if you've made your return to normal routines, whether that be work or studying, it has gone smoothly and the transition has been stress-free! If not, things will take their time to settle back to usual, just give it another week and you'll be back in the zone!
With love and light,
Lily
I thought I'd share a little about how my week has gone and what I've been up to; I thought it'd be a bit more interesting to do a day-by-day recap - kind of like a diary of my week!
MONDAY
- I woke up ready to start the day and was then hit with a gigantic wave of anxiety and immediately thought ABORT MISSION - CAN'T DO IT. So before I completely abandoned the day, I did what I usually do when I can't function and I phoned my mum. But, after a good old mum pep talk, I pulled myself together, threw on my leotard and made my way to uni!
- Had my first ballet class back - hello leg muscles? Where have you been slumbering? It felt good to get back in the studio, if not a little daunting.
- It wouldn't be a first day back without a visit to my favourite building on campus - the library. If I have a free period its where you'll most likely find me! I love surrounding myself with books and doing things like writing and research (even when we have no assignments set yet...)
- I realised how much I'd missed human contact and felt myself enjoy the social aspect of Uni - particularly in our contemporary class in the afternoon. Being surrounded by other sweaty, moving bodies, I managed to forget for a while about other less fun things and just remember how much I enjoy the feeling of moving and the freedom of dancing.
Today's wisdom - Even though the day got off to a terrible start, I kept going and finished the day glad to be dancing again and being active. So I need to remember to push through and things will always be better in the end.
TUESDAY
- A better morning! The sun was out and the sky was a lovely, clear bright blue on my walk in.
- I had a really good ballet lesson with a teacher I've not had for a while. I worked up a sweat and it felt refreshing to actually finish a ballet class and have enjoyed it. For a long while I've lost my interest in ballet, but the teacher and this class gave me a bit of hope again!
- Once more I visited the library and remember how irritated I can get by people in the silent area... Why is it that despite the gigantic sign saying 'Please be quiet in this area', people still feel the need to have conversations at the top of their voice?!? I guess as good as social interaction and human contact is, there is also the downsides to being around humans too!
- Then the afternoon was filled with a lecture as part of our research methodologies module. It sounds fancy but it's essentially about getting us prepared to start on our dissertations by learning how to research things properly and in-depth. I actually really enjoy theory lessons so it was good to get my brain going by discussing all things dance and research!
Today's wisdom - Widening your field of learning. I got quite excited thinking about dissertations and being able to write and research about something I had a real genuine invested interest in. So this semester I'm going to aim to really get stuck in with my theoretical studies and be open to learning as much as I can!
WEDNESDAY
- Ouchie ouchie, feeling the pain this morning! I think it's always the third day after that I start to feel the ache from being back dancing and I could certainly feel it in our contemporary class this morning. I'd forgotten how it feels to be covered in bruises!
-In the afternoon I has a pretty difficult time: I'm just starting to get into the mental health services here in Chichester so things are all a bit up in the air and very overwhelming but I've started meeting with a psychiatric nurse (sounds scary - but she's okay). And I think I've been expecting things to just be really great with starting to get support but in truth I'm finding it extremely painful and difficult to open up and start talking so I just end up a frustrated, sobbing mess and leave often feeling worse than I did when I entered.
- When I calmed down in the evening I started doing some research for choreography. I always find this stage of the process to be the fun part! You can just read and watch loads and not have to make or write anything yet!
Today's wisdom - Things are going to be difficult and not change immediately. It will take time for me to get better and I need to get used to that, but as long as I try remain positive things will slowly start to shift.
THURSDAY
- Somehow my leg muscles are even more sore this morning and I definitely felt the return to dancing everyday on my walk to uni. As I was walking along, it was so exciting to notice that through the dull muddy patches of grass and soil, the fresh green shoots of crocuses and daffodils were emerging. I always find these signs of Spring spur on a sense of positivity and serve as a reminder of warmer times to come.
- Had my first choreography lesson this semester, which was thoroughly engaging and got my creative brain all fired up once more. It's so interesting to be in a class full of so many wonderful people, who all have such diverse ideas and interests and ways of moving. It also feels like we are actual proper second years now - not just 'kind of no longer first years' anymore.
- I sat with friends during a break between classes and it felt so nice to be included and surrounded by people, especially after I've spent a while feeling so isolated and lonely. As much as I can I need to take these opportunities to connect with people and make the effort to socialise otherwise I'm just adding to my problems if I choose to isolate myself.
Today's wisdom - I've been struggling with my anxiety and over thinking about the future so today I found myself needing to slow down and pace my thoughts a bit; try not to stress over things I need to get done. Hopefully my worries will resolve themselves I should just try not to give them so much thought and not give my anxiety the power to overwhelm me,
FRIDAY
- This morning I had such an amazing contemporary class! Though it was tough and I pushed myself, I really enjoyed it and thought how lucky I was to have our teacher Abi; even in that hour and a half she gave us so much to think about and so much feedback and information to help improve our technique.
- I caught up on some work in the library (again) and I watched the latest episode of Big Cats on BBC IPlayer - to top up my daily dose of cat love. This week they looked at some of the smallest wild cats, e.g. the Pallas Cat who is adorably fluffy and wild.
- Had my first taste of Repertoire class which I think just about finished my body off for the week! I have to say, having a high-energy, extremely physically demanding class last thing on a Friday is going to be a challenge for this semester but I can already tell I'm going to get a lot stronger and build my stamina in that class! Our teacher Carmine really demands the highest energy from everyone so he can work with us - otherwise he's not inspired! So, we all pushed ourselves and realised how hard we're going to be working in this class and in the piece he's choreographing!
Today's wisdom - If you don't push yourself in class, you aren't going to improve your technique. If you continue working at the same level, you aren't going to get any better - something I've learnt from both of today's lessons. Hopefully over the semester I can continue to remember this and keep pushing for improvement; whilst still staying safe, healthy and not injured!
So, that's a rough outline of my week! It's been up and down, I'm realising how it feels again to be at a constant moderate level of stress and anxiety but I'll get used to it. I think I'm going to the majority of my classes this semester and I'm really hopeful I can make progress especially in technique which I struggled with last year due to my mental health. But I'm going to be getting proper support soon, and with that, hopefully I can return to peak studying condition and make the most of my time at uni.
For now, I'm going to rest my bruised and achey body, glad to be back learning and surrounded by friends. I've got my aunties and granddad visiting Sunday so that'll be a lovely time, we're going bowling!
I hope if you've made your return to normal routines, whether that be work or studying, it has gone smoothly and the transition has been stress-free! If not, things will take their time to settle back to usual, just give it another week and you'll be back in the zone!
With love and light,
Lily
Monday, 15 January 2018
Letter writing
Mini posting schedule (not that I really have any schedule) disclaimer/explanation:
I'm working on a few bigger posts at the moment and just settling back into uni life so please forgive me if post production is slow - but I'm just going to post when I'm ready and try not place any pressure on myself with blogging because that's when I'll most likely just stop doing it!
Anyway, that disclaimer out of the way (not that its really needed, I'm pretty sure the only person who reads my blog is my mum (love you)!), I thought I'd do a little post about one of my favourite forms of communication - Letter writing!!! I've always been someone who writes lots and I can't really remember not ever being that weird person who gets excited by post; I guess that is until cards and letters began turning into adult things like bills and eye test reminders! I have a couple of people I regularly write to and I think I write on average 5 or so letters a month. I wish letter writing was still a commonplace form of communication because I know its fallen out of fashion, but it's such a great way to keep in touch I wonder why people don't do it more!
So, without further ado, here are some of the reasons I love letter writing and why I think it is brilliant...
1 - Time
We live in a world so wonderfully connected by social media now, which means that communication can be instant, through things like text, email and Facebook. In many ways this is great and there are so many positives in being able to reach someone immediately. But it can get a bit overwhelming sometimes and this whole pressure and expectation to respond right away can often cause quite a lot of anxiety. Personally, I get intimidated by three or more messages at a time and it makes me want to retreat into my turtle shell and ignore the pressure I feel to read the messages and respond. So, with letter writing, there is the removal of this 'instant' culture created by social networking. With a letter, you don't get a notification when someone has received your letter, or read it or when they are posting their response and therefore the pressure and anticipation is taken away. I don't get this nervous feeling of having to straight away formulate a response to a message. I can take my time in reading someones words, really taking them in and appreciating them before formulating my response, which brings me onto my next point
2 - Writing can be much easier than talking
I find that there is often a lot I want to say, but many times my brain can't seem to produce the words quick enough so I get flustered and trip all over conversations, especially more emotional and meaningful ones. So when writing I tend to be able to take more time to process what I really want to say and I can discuss topics that I'd find embarrassing or difficult to verbalise. This also comes in handy when there might be something you are scared to tell someone, I find it easier to write it down. Which gives the person a chance to read it in their own space and time, have their immediate reaction and then process what I've said before they then formulate their response. I guess I'm a bit braver in written form than verbally!
Linking back to my first point, I like to consider what I say and often worry about saying the wrong thing, so in letters, both the combination of more time to process and the removal of verbalisation is great for me!
3 - It's completely personal
I find that when you communicate with people through letters, you find a deeper level of connection. It's this safe space you both share with one another, where you can build up trust and understanding of one another. But letters don't always have to be deep and meaningful! I like telling people about funny things that have happened that week. I like reading little anecdotes from peoples daily lives, even if they think its boring, I love to hear their thoughts about little things and little stories. It gives me an escape almost, being immersed in their life. And the beauty is, you can write about anything you want! Maybe one week I want to talk about something that happened to me, then maybe next time I'll be really interested in something they've mentioned in their letter, then maybe the next time I want to go off on a tangent talking about places I'd like to visit in the world. Topics of conversation are unlimited!
4 - Stationery
Ahhhhhh! I'm a stationery addict and so, by writing letters, I have a concrete reason for buying wonderfully cute writing paper, envelopes and stickers! I'm currently using pastel multi-coloured A5 writing paper from paperchase and decorate my envelopes with a wide selection of stickers. And recently my mum got me this beautiful writing set with gorgeous green handmade paper complete with purple peacock feather glitter embellishment (if that doesn't make you just want to explode then I guess stationery is just not your thing...!) I am rationing this though, as my letters tend to be quite long and I need to make it last, because man, stationery can be expensive!
It just makes it all the more fun to write and receive beautiful letters. I know I'd be happy even if it was a letter on some scrap plain paper, because it's the words and sentiment that counts, but you can't beat adorable stickers and the pleasure of exquisite stationery!
5 - The physical act of reading and writing
There is something very therapeutic about sitting down and devoting time to just reading someones letter and then writing in response. I think the benefits of writing are countless and it can really help you to process thoughts and emotions. It's a little like a meditation, time for yourself to take a step out of your daily routine to do something quiet and peaceful. And for me, whose brain never ceases its anxious chattering, I find the time I'm writing an opportunity to release some tension and do something nice.
6 - Keeping in touch
I like sending letters to my family because I don't often get to see them when I'm away at uni, and it keeps me in touch with them and what they are up to. And post can go anywhere in the world, so, really its brilliant for long distance relationships! We've sent letters as communication for a long, long time and I think more people should keep in touch this way.
I can't really think of any negatives to letter writing, apart from perhaps the cost of stamps (I'm thinking of investing in a raven or a carrier pigeon at this rate!). I'd just encourage people to give it a go! You might feel silly at first...
'Who do I write to?' Parents, family, friends, maybe someone you've lost touch with, you could even make a penpal! This is something I'm going to look into, I can't imagine how wonderful it'd be to learn about someone's life who lives across the globe, plus the stamps for that would be extremely cool!(am I a nerd for getting excited by stamps?...).
'But what do I talk about?' Start maybe by explaining where you are right that moment e.g I'm just sat in the cafe at uni, with a spare half hour, so I thought I'd write to say hello... Then maybe talk about how you've been, anything interesting you've done lately, ask them questions that they can answer in their letter back.
'What if they don't reply straight away?' Try not to panic or get apprehensive about not hearing back right away. That's the beauty of the postal service, you never really can be sure when you will receive something (unless its express delivery). So, enjoy the feeling of surprise when you get something in the post! Its always fun to get something in the post that isn't boring!
'I could just phone them you know...' Ah but wheres the fun in that? Don't you want an excuse to get a fancy letter writing set??!?
I think the art of letter writing has been neglected but I am positive that it's something that won't ever disappear completely, because there will be people like me - strong advocates for writing, communication and stationery! Give it a go, send a letter, I promise the novelty never wears off and it is always wonderful receiving warm words from loved ones in the post,
Thanks for sticking with me whilst I dork out about letters, I hope you feel inspired to start your own letter conversations, there really isn't anything else like it!
With love and light,
Lily
I'm working on a few bigger posts at the moment and just settling back into uni life so please forgive me if post production is slow - but I'm just going to post when I'm ready and try not place any pressure on myself with blogging because that's when I'll most likely just stop doing it!
Anyway, that disclaimer out of the way (not that its really needed, I'm pretty sure the only person who reads my blog is my mum (love you)!), I thought I'd do a little post about one of my favourite forms of communication - Letter writing!!! I've always been someone who writes lots and I can't really remember not ever being that weird person who gets excited by post; I guess that is until cards and letters began turning into adult things like bills and eye test reminders! I have a couple of people I regularly write to and I think I write on average 5 or so letters a month. I wish letter writing was still a commonplace form of communication because I know its fallen out of fashion, but it's such a great way to keep in touch I wonder why people don't do it more!
So, without further ado, here are some of the reasons I love letter writing and why I think it is brilliant...
1 - Time
We live in a world so wonderfully connected by social media now, which means that communication can be instant, through things like text, email and Facebook. In many ways this is great and there are so many positives in being able to reach someone immediately. But it can get a bit overwhelming sometimes and this whole pressure and expectation to respond right away can often cause quite a lot of anxiety. Personally, I get intimidated by three or more messages at a time and it makes me want to retreat into my turtle shell and ignore the pressure I feel to read the messages and respond. So, with letter writing, there is the removal of this 'instant' culture created by social networking. With a letter, you don't get a notification when someone has received your letter, or read it or when they are posting their response and therefore the pressure and anticipation is taken away. I don't get this nervous feeling of having to straight away formulate a response to a message. I can take my time in reading someones words, really taking them in and appreciating them before formulating my response, which brings me onto my next point
2 - Writing can be much easier than talking
I find that there is often a lot I want to say, but many times my brain can't seem to produce the words quick enough so I get flustered and trip all over conversations, especially more emotional and meaningful ones. So when writing I tend to be able to take more time to process what I really want to say and I can discuss topics that I'd find embarrassing or difficult to verbalise. This also comes in handy when there might be something you are scared to tell someone, I find it easier to write it down. Which gives the person a chance to read it in their own space and time, have their immediate reaction and then process what I've said before they then formulate their response. I guess I'm a bit braver in written form than verbally!
Linking back to my first point, I like to consider what I say and often worry about saying the wrong thing, so in letters, both the combination of more time to process and the removal of verbalisation is great for me!
3 - It's completely personal
I find that when you communicate with people through letters, you find a deeper level of connection. It's this safe space you both share with one another, where you can build up trust and understanding of one another. But letters don't always have to be deep and meaningful! I like telling people about funny things that have happened that week. I like reading little anecdotes from peoples daily lives, even if they think its boring, I love to hear their thoughts about little things and little stories. It gives me an escape almost, being immersed in their life. And the beauty is, you can write about anything you want! Maybe one week I want to talk about something that happened to me, then maybe next time I'll be really interested in something they've mentioned in their letter, then maybe the next time I want to go off on a tangent talking about places I'd like to visit in the world. Topics of conversation are unlimited!
4 - Stationery
Ahhhhhh! I'm a stationery addict and so, by writing letters, I have a concrete reason for buying wonderfully cute writing paper, envelopes and stickers! I'm currently using pastel multi-coloured A5 writing paper from paperchase and decorate my envelopes with a wide selection of stickers. And recently my mum got me this beautiful writing set with gorgeous green handmade paper complete with purple peacock feather glitter embellishment (if that doesn't make you just want to explode then I guess stationery is just not your thing...!) I am rationing this though, as my letters tend to be quite long and I need to make it last, because man, stationery can be expensive!
It just makes it all the more fun to write and receive beautiful letters. I know I'd be happy even if it was a letter on some scrap plain paper, because it's the words and sentiment that counts, but you can't beat adorable stickers and the pleasure of exquisite stationery!
5 - The physical act of reading and writing
There is something very therapeutic about sitting down and devoting time to just reading someones letter and then writing in response. I think the benefits of writing are countless and it can really help you to process thoughts and emotions. It's a little like a meditation, time for yourself to take a step out of your daily routine to do something quiet and peaceful. And for me, whose brain never ceases its anxious chattering, I find the time I'm writing an opportunity to release some tension and do something nice.
6 - Keeping in touch
I like sending letters to my family because I don't often get to see them when I'm away at uni, and it keeps me in touch with them and what they are up to. And post can go anywhere in the world, so, really its brilliant for long distance relationships! We've sent letters as communication for a long, long time and I think more people should keep in touch this way.
I can't really think of any negatives to letter writing, apart from perhaps the cost of stamps (I'm thinking of investing in a raven or a carrier pigeon at this rate!). I'd just encourage people to give it a go! You might feel silly at first...
'Who do I write to?' Parents, family, friends, maybe someone you've lost touch with, you could even make a penpal! This is something I'm going to look into, I can't imagine how wonderful it'd be to learn about someone's life who lives across the globe, plus the stamps for that would be extremely cool!(am I a nerd for getting excited by stamps?...).
'But what do I talk about?' Start maybe by explaining where you are right that moment e.g I'm just sat in the cafe at uni, with a spare half hour, so I thought I'd write to say hello... Then maybe talk about how you've been, anything interesting you've done lately, ask them questions that they can answer in their letter back.
'What if they don't reply straight away?' Try not to panic or get apprehensive about not hearing back right away. That's the beauty of the postal service, you never really can be sure when you will receive something (unless its express delivery). So, enjoy the feeling of surprise when you get something in the post! Its always fun to get something in the post that isn't boring!
'I could just phone them you know...' Ah but wheres the fun in that? Don't you want an excuse to get a fancy letter writing set??!?
I think the art of letter writing has been neglected but I am positive that it's something that won't ever disappear completely, because there will be people like me - strong advocates for writing, communication and stationery! Give it a go, send a letter, I promise the novelty never wears off and it is always wonderful receiving warm words from loved ones in the post,
Thanks for sticking with me whilst I dork out about letters, I hope you feel inspired to start your own letter conversations, there really isn't anything else like it!
With love and light,
Lily
Sunday, 7 January 2018
Solar powered pauses
Hello, here is a slightly more poetic and self-reflective post about versions of yourself and, how, often mental illness has great affect on who you are and who you perceive yourself to be...
I sat there, closed my eyes and let my face bathe in the sunshine,
The blood of my thin eyelids illuminated in a vibrant glow.
And I wondered if this is how it feels to be living
So often I forget to experience something so small as taking a pause to appreciate the feeling of sunshine hitting your face. My mind is often so full of racing thoughts that trip around one another and tangle me up that I rarely have a moment to myself.
To be the person that loves to take these pauses.
To be the person that isn't always so lost. To be the person that feels comfort in the sun's embrace.
To be the person who doesn't have to spend every waking moment crippled by anxious thoughts.
To be the person that can get through a day without thinking about an easy way out.
To be the person that likes to draw and paint, and not be worried about it looking good enough.
To be the person that has time for others, because so often my time and energy is consumed and spent wastefully on destruction and depression.
To be the person that has control of their life.
Who is this person? Are they hiding round some corner? Observing this imposter, a poor imitation.
Or are they hiding inside me, waiting, biding their time for when the sun shines at the right moment and they lift their hopeful face to it and remember that they aren't gone yet.
It's hard when it feels like multiple version of yourself are living your life for you. Maybe not multiples, but versions of yourself that aren't versions you want to be. I don't want to be ill and spiraling out of control. But which 'I' is that? Which 'I' am I right now?
I think right now, I'm the 'I' who can see with some clarity. For the moment, I can see that things are bad, things have been bad for a while, and things might continue to get bad. But in this moment I can see that this is never a simple thing, there never seems to have be clear solution, one clear direct route out of the darkness. The solution for now is that I am writing this. I am trying to put words to how I feel. The feeling of being trapped inside yourself. Being hopeful yet being terrified of hope because there are other parts of you that deny the very existence or possibility of hope. You become ashamed of being 'hopeful' because there is something telling you everyday that its inevitable that you'll just continue to suffer and be depressed, that nothing will ever get better.
So, maybe its more moments like these that I need. More pauses. Or perhaps, some help and assistance to get more pauses. A guide to understand how to find pauses even when there isn't any sunshine to bask in. To let myself become 'that person' again, that true version of myself that deserves to be here and have their time in the light. It would be a waste to let them continue to diminish into the darkness. As I write this there is a constant battle over the concept of being hopeful and I have a voice saying 'What is the point of these lies? You are never going to get better. You are never going to get out of this.'. But I'm still writing it aren't I? And if you are reading this, then that slither of hopefulness is out in the world, this is a wave hello from 'that person', the true me. In some ways its like a game of hide and seek, and the true me is constantly living in fear of being caught by the sick/bad/'not-quite-me', me; so the safest thing to do is hide. To retreat inward and hide until it is safe to come out again.
This started as a reflection upon the joy of sitting down, closing your eyes and letting the sun shine on your face for a minute. It turned into me trying to pin down how it feels to be mentally ill and battle constantly with the person you wish you were again. And maybe I'll never be the 'old' me, that person is in the past, but I know the version of myself that is healthy. happy and full of life. And I know this better version will still suffer with their mental health, but they'll manage it in a much safer, healthier, easier way.
My apologies if I've been dreadfully confusing with talk about who I am now, versions of myself and who I hope to become, but I guess this serves as an insight to the complete lack of clarity I have in my own head right now! It's never easy to make sense of how you feel, but partially this has helped me to process some of the things I've learned about myself and my current state of mind.
I'm extremely thankful to anyone who has read this and I hope you are finding time to bask in sunshine, even if just for a second, find a spot in front of a window or go outside, and just take a pause, feel the warmth of the sun. Feel its reassuring glow spread over you and find comfort in that brief escape. As a reminder that the world is still here even when it feels like its crashing down around you. (As for when it is dark or when the sun is inevitably shrouded by rainclouds - I've not worked out how to take this pause yet... But when I do, or if anyone can help with that then I'm all ears! And hopefully one day we'll all have our little personal suns-on-our-faces mechanisms that aren't always 100% solar powered)
With love and light,
Lily
I sat there, closed my eyes and let my face bathe in the sunshine,
The blood of my thin eyelids illuminated in a vibrant glow.
And I wondered if this is how it feels to be living
So often I forget to experience something so small as taking a pause to appreciate the feeling of sunshine hitting your face. My mind is often so full of racing thoughts that trip around one another and tangle me up that I rarely have a moment to myself.
To be the person that loves to take these pauses.
To be the person that isn't always so lost. To be the person that feels comfort in the sun's embrace.
To be the person who doesn't have to spend every waking moment crippled by anxious thoughts.
To be the person that can get through a day without thinking about an easy way out.
To be the person that likes to draw and paint, and not be worried about it looking good enough.
To be the person that has time for others, because so often my time and energy is consumed and spent wastefully on destruction and depression.
To be the person that has control of their life.
Who is this person? Are they hiding round some corner? Observing this imposter, a poor imitation.
Or are they hiding inside me, waiting, biding their time for when the sun shines at the right moment and they lift their hopeful face to it and remember that they aren't gone yet.
It's hard when it feels like multiple version of yourself are living your life for you. Maybe not multiples, but versions of yourself that aren't versions you want to be. I don't want to be ill and spiraling out of control. But which 'I' is that? Which 'I' am I right now?
I think right now, I'm the 'I' who can see with some clarity. For the moment, I can see that things are bad, things have been bad for a while, and things might continue to get bad. But in this moment I can see that this is never a simple thing, there never seems to have be clear solution, one clear direct route out of the darkness. The solution for now is that I am writing this. I am trying to put words to how I feel. The feeling of being trapped inside yourself. Being hopeful yet being terrified of hope because there are other parts of you that deny the very existence or possibility of hope. You become ashamed of being 'hopeful' because there is something telling you everyday that its inevitable that you'll just continue to suffer and be depressed, that nothing will ever get better.
So, maybe its more moments like these that I need. More pauses. Or perhaps, some help and assistance to get more pauses. A guide to understand how to find pauses even when there isn't any sunshine to bask in. To let myself become 'that person' again, that true version of myself that deserves to be here and have their time in the light. It would be a waste to let them continue to diminish into the darkness. As I write this there is a constant battle over the concept of being hopeful and I have a voice saying 'What is the point of these lies? You are never going to get better. You are never going to get out of this.'. But I'm still writing it aren't I? And if you are reading this, then that slither of hopefulness is out in the world, this is a wave hello from 'that person', the true me. In some ways its like a game of hide and seek, and the true me is constantly living in fear of being caught by the sick/bad/'not-quite-me', me; so the safest thing to do is hide. To retreat inward and hide until it is safe to come out again.
This started as a reflection upon the joy of sitting down, closing your eyes and letting the sun shine on your face for a minute. It turned into me trying to pin down how it feels to be mentally ill and battle constantly with the person you wish you were again. And maybe I'll never be the 'old' me, that person is in the past, but I know the version of myself that is healthy. happy and full of life. And I know this better version will still suffer with their mental health, but they'll manage it in a much safer, healthier, easier way.
My apologies if I've been dreadfully confusing with talk about who I am now, versions of myself and who I hope to become, but I guess this serves as an insight to the complete lack of clarity I have in my own head right now! It's never easy to make sense of how you feel, but partially this has helped me to process some of the things I've learned about myself and my current state of mind.
I'm extremely thankful to anyone who has read this and I hope you are finding time to bask in sunshine, even if just for a second, find a spot in front of a window or go outside, and just take a pause, feel the warmth of the sun. Feel its reassuring glow spread over you and find comfort in that brief escape. As a reminder that the world is still here even when it feels like its crashing down around you. (As for when it is dark or when the sun is inevitably shrouded by rainclouds - I've not worked out how to take this pause yet... But when I do, or if anyone can help with that then I'm all ears! And hopefully one day we'll all have our little personal suns-on-our-faces mechanisms that aren't always 100% solar powered)
With love and light,
Lily
Wednesday, 3 January 2018
A Year In Pictures
Hello again,
I've already done a little New Years post, it was more of an overview as to 2017 and what it offered me. But I've just spent about fifteen minutes looking through my Google photos from the past year, and handily its acted as documentation for an entire years worth of my life and looking back through them all has made me feel a whole lot of things. I often forget a lot of things that have happened throughout the year and these photos act as reminders of whereabouts I have been, both physically, personally and mentally. So, to kind of process these memories I thought I'd write about a few of them, giving you (and me) an insight into the year and maybe a little entertainment, who knows!?
Sunday 8th January
These are my aunties and I think its a photo I took on a trip to Bognor Regis, or some other seaside local to me in Chichester. This year I've definitely treasured how much support and love these two wonderful ladies have given me. It's been a year where I have come to realise the importance of maintaining contact and communication with family, and that though often I can forget, they will always be there. Plus, these two never fail to make me laugh due to them always being an impeccable comedic duo! Also, I've re-discovered my love for tacky seaside resort towns, pier arcades and 2p machines.
Thursday 21st February - A new haircut
A rather solemn selfie, but I really liked this haircut! I think haircuts can be pretty powerful and have a certain effect on your overall perception of your appearance. I found getting my hair cut short was liberating and it marked the start of a few changes in my life. Which reminds me I need my hair cut soon (feeling like going even shorter!).
Wednesday 12th April - Friends
I love this photo of my friend Louise (nickname = Sneeze) and the Stick Man, which was taken at Alice Holt forest after we'd been for an extremely cute picnic. It was a lovely day of catching up and being surrounded by nature.
In terms of friends, this year I feel like I've isolated myself quite a bit and maybe have lost touch with a few people (sadly due to my mental health; not an excuse but it's certainly contributed to the isolation). But I've come to realise we're all leading such busy lives at Uni that it'd be impossible to constantly keep up with one another so its moments like these, little catch-up chats and occasional letters that are made all the more special. And I need to remember that friendships work both ways, so I can't let my side of it down even if I'm struggling, even little things like an occasional facebook message are okay. And I'll always have these sunny snippets of memory to keep me going!
Sunday 11th June - Papa Smurf
This is me and my daddio at a dance event in Farnham that we were volunteering for my mum at. I missed my dad (and my mum too) a lot over the next semester of uni so it makes photos like these very special and sometimes sad to look at - happy sad though! I've kept up a lot more contact with my family whilst at uni in second year which has been lovely. And this photo reminds me of warmer, sunnier times which is wonderful when it's a grim, wet, wintery January day.
Thursday 27th July - Stopgap
Over the summer, I worked for Stopgap Dance Company again. It feels like a whole other separate life to university but I'm glad my summer was productive and full of interesting challenges and engaging work. This is a photo from a rehearsal I was observing, I love sketching the company and trying to capture these brilliant dance artists. I'm quite pleased with some of the projects I worked on, one included creating a reflective journal for a the production process of a project called The Seafarers - for which I taught myself to use photoshop and InDesign (still not great at them but I managed!). I'm extremely grateful to Stopgap for continuing to have me back to work for them, it is a joy to work for such an amazing company!
Tuesday 29th August - Birthdays and record players
I turned 20 this year - I had a lovely birthday and it was a good end to the summer before the return to uni. I treated myself to a record player, something I'd been thinking about getting for a while and oh how glad I am I got one! It was spectacular setting it up and the first record I listened to was Radiohead's The Bends - and it sounded incredible. I've got a post lined up talking all about my love for vinyl so look out for that!
Monday 25th September & Sunday 15th October - Family visits
The first photo is of a family trip to Littlehampton beach, me, mum and dad went on a lovely breezy walk. Then the second photo is from a trip to the ancient Yew trees at Kingley Vale. It always makes me feel better seeing my parents when I get extremely homesick at uni. The second trip to Kingley Vale has a lot of special memories, I think its when I finally let my parents know that I was really struggling with my mental health, I cried and I felt awful but I talked; we talked, and it was the start of us realising I needed to get help and my parents were extremely supportive. I've always been scared of letting my parents know I'm struggling because I don't want them to worry about me, but I guess that is partially their job!
I love you mum and dad, I don't say it enough but I'm so thankful for all you do for me.
Friday 17th November - A different face
When I compare photos of my face from the start of the year to the end, I can see a change. I don't know other people do, I don't know if its a good change or a bad change. I sometimes think 'Oh, I like this face better now' but then I wonder if it's a happy face. I get a bit scatty when I think too much about how I look and the changes to how I look - mostly because I still feel deeply unhappy about my appearance (but we're going to work on that eventually!).
But anyway - I like the winter and crisp sunny mornings, but I am looking forward to not having to bundle up in a million layers of jumpers and coats each day! What is sunshine and warmth?!?
Wednesday 16th December - Fruits of labour
This is a photo of me and Tyler and our dancers just before they absolutely smashed performing our choreography that we created this semester. We worked for so long on the piece and in about five minutes it was all over and done with! But I'm grateful for these beautiful humans and all of the hard work they put in. It is quite special seeing work that you devote so much time to creating finally being performed in front of an audience, as nerve wracking as it can be to receive feedback, it really becomes a proper piece of art when other people see it!
Monday 25th December - Family and festivity
You can't beat a family Christmas photo (clearly dad didn't get the burgundy and red memo!). This year, Christmas and New Year were particularly difficult for me, things felt weird and different, I struggled to feel normal and join in with all the usual festivities that I used to enjoy. I feel like I've been an absolute nightmare for my family to deal with, I guess they too are dealing with my mental illness and its manifestations in my behaviour, compulsions and living habits. It doesn't mean I've not enjoyed spending time at home, I'm extremely glad for the free time and the chance to do very little without feeling too much guilt!
I've already done a little New Years post, it was more of an overview as to 2017 and what it offered me. But I've just spent about fifteen minutes looking through my Google photos from the past year, and handily its acted as documentation for an entire years worth of my life and looking back through them all has made me feel a whole lot of things. I often forget a lot of things that have happened throughout the year and these photos act as reminders of whereabouts I have been, both physically, personally and mentally. So, to kind of process these memories I thought I'd write about a few of them, giving you (and me) an insight into the year and maybe a little entertainment, who knows!?
Sunday 8th January
These are my aunties and I think its a photo I took on a trip to Bognor Regis, or some other seaside local to me in Chichester. This year I've definitely treasured how much support and love these two wonderful ladies have given me. It's been a year where I have come to realise the importance of maintaining contact and communication with family, and that though often I can forget, they will always be there. Plus, these two never fail to make me laugh due to them always being an impeccable comedic duo! Also, I've re-discovered my love for tacky seaside resort towns, pier arcades and 2p machines.
Thursday 21st February - A new haircut
A rather solemn selfie, but I really liked this haircut! I think haircuts can be pretty powerful and have a certain effect on your overall perception of your appearance. I found getting my hair cut short was liberating and it marked the start of a few changes in my life. Which reminds me I need my hair cut soon (feeling like going even shorter!).
Wednesday 12th April - Friends
I love this photo of my friend Louise (nickname = Sneeze) and the Stick Man, which was taken at Alice Holt forest after we'd been for an extremely cute picnic. It was a lovely day of catching up and being surrounded by nature.
In terms of friends, this year I feel like I've isolated myself quite a bit and maybe have lost touch with a few people (sadly due to my mental health; not an excuse but it's certainly contributed to the isolation). But I've come to realise we're all leading such busy lives at Uni that it'd be impossible to constantly keep up with one another so its moments like these, little catch-up chats and occasional letters that are made all the more special. And I need to remember that friendships work both ways, so I can't let my side of it down even if I'm struggling, even little things like an occasional facebook message are okay. And I'll always have these sunny snippets of memory to keep me going!
Tuesday 23rd May - Solo adventures
After finishing the second semester of First year I spent a few weeks exploring Chichester and the surrounding area before I moved back home. I visited a lot of places - mostly beaches and nature reserves and spent a lot of time exploring on my own. I've challenged my anxieties about travelling alone, developing my independence and I've found an enjoyment in exploring new places by myself. I have my bus pass and bicycle to thank for allowing these adventures, and my camera and sketchbook for being able to record them.
I think this was from a trip to the nature reserve at East Head, which has some wonderful natural sand dunes and lots of nature (aka butterflies, insects and the occasional cool bird!).
Saturday 3rd June - Moving on from Mainline and Cat love
This was the day I moved out from my student halls, with two car-loads of stuff!! It was a long old day but I was glad to be home-home for summer and cuddling this big ginger fluffball. I promise Biscuit was enjoying the hug, as much as her eyes say 'help me'!
Sunday 11th June - Papa Smurf
This is me and my daddio at a dance event in Farnham that we were volunteering for my mum at. I missed my dad (and my mum too) a lot over the next semester of uni so it makes photos like these very special and sometimes sad to look at - happy sad though! I've kept up a lot more contact with my family whilst at uni in second year which has been lovely. And this photo reminds me of warmer, sunnier times which is wonderful when it's a grim, wet, wintery January day.
Thursday 27th July - Stopgap
Over the summer, I worked for Stopgap Dance Company again. It feels like a whole other separate life to university but I'm glad my summer was productive and full of interesting challenges and engaging work. This is a photo from a rehearsal I was observing, I love sketching the company and trying to capture these brilliant dance artists. I'm quite pleased with some of the projects I worked on, one included creating a reflective journal for a the production process of a project called The Seafarers - for which I taught myself to use photoshop and InDesign (still not great at them but I managed!). I'm extremely grateful to Stopgap for continuing to have me back to work for them, it is a joy to work for such an amazing company!
Tuesday 29th August - Birthdays and record players
I turned 20 this year - I had a lovely birthday and it was a good end to the summer before the return to uni. I treated myself to a record player, something I'd been thinking about getting for a while and oh how glad I am I got one! It was spectacular setting it up and the first record I listened to was Radiohead's The Bends - and it sounded incredible. I've got a post lined up talking all about my love for vinyl so look out for that!
Monday 25th September & Sunday 15th October - Family visits
The first photo is of a family trip to Littlehampton beach, me, mum and dad went on a lovely breezy walk. Then the second photo is from a trip to the ancient Yew trees at Kingley Vale. It always makes me feel better seeing my parents when I get extremely homesick at uni. The second trip to Kingley Vale has a lot of special memories, I think its when I finally let my parents know that I was really struggling with my mental health, I cried and I felt awful but I talked; we talked, and it was the start of us realising I needed to get help and my parents were extremely supportive. I've always been scared of letting my parents know I'm struggling because I don't want them to worry about me, but I guess that is partially their job!
I love you mum and dad, I don't say it enough but I'm so thankful for all you do for me.
When I compare photos of my face from the start of the year to the end, I can see a change. I don't know other people do, I don't know if its a good change or a bad change. I sometimes think 'Oh, I like this face better now' but then I wonder if it's a happy face. I get a bit scatty when I think too much about how I look and the changes to how I look - mostly because I still feel deeply unhappy about my appearance (but we're going to work on that eventually!).
But anyway - I like the winter and crisp sunny mornings, but I am looking forward to not having to bundle up in a million layers of jumpers and coats each day! What is sunshine and warmth?!?
Wednesday 16th December - Fruits of labour
This is a photo of me and Tyler and our dancers just before they absolutely smashed performing our choreography that we created this semester. We worked for so long on the piece and in about five minutes it was all over and done with! But I'm grateful for these beautiful humans and all of the hard work they put in. It is quite special seeing work that you devote so much time to creating finally being performed in front of an audience, as nerve wracking as it can be to receive feedback, it really becomes a proper piece of art when other people see it!
Monday 25th December - Family and festivity
You can't beat a family Christmas photo (clearly dad didn't get the burgundy and red memo!). This year, Christmas and New Year were particularly difficult for me, things felt weird and different, I struggled to feel normal and join in with all the usual festivities that I used to enjoy. I feel like I've been an absolute nightmare for my family to deal with, I guess they too are dealing with my mental illness and its manifestations in my behaviour, compulsions and living habits. It doesn't mean I've not enjoyed spending time at home, I'm extremely glad for the free time and the chance to do very little without feeling too much guilt!
So, that was a brief visual insight into my year! It was nice being reminded of happier (and often sunnier) times, I hope come this time next year I'll have a whole new bunch of pictures to look back on and be reminded that not everything has been doom and gloom.The overall takeaway from this has been that there was a lot of change in 2017, some good, some bad, but I'm still here, drifting along!
Thank you for reading and I hope it hasn't been too boring/weird/uninteresting, my next post is probably going to be a round up of the books I enjoyed in the past year!
With love and light,
Lily
Monday, 1 January 2018
2017 - A real scooter to the ankle
So, it is New Years eve, the obligatory facebook, twitter and instagram posts recollecting peoples 2017 are pouring forth, everyone is gearing up for a night of celebration and drunken revelry and what am I doing? Sitting at home in front of the fire, watching Peaky Blinders (from the beginning again), waiting for mum to finish dinner so we can continue our Harry Potter marathon. And I'll be honest, I feel absolutely no excitement for the fact its New Years eve. It doesn't even feel like New Years, I've lost track of the days and time is an abstract concept...
Anywayyyys, I thought I'd make a little post about how my year has gone - I feel like it has been very up and down (mostly down) and I wanted to reassure myself that maybe not everything has been bad.
Lets start with the positives shall we?
I finished my first year at University!
I survived freshers and completed the first year of my dance degree at Chichester uni, and though it feels like a lifetime ago, I finished strong with an overall First for the year which isn't too shabby. Though my second semester of first year started out a little rocky, I found my way through it and enjoyed choreographing work, making progress in technique lessons and learning about where I fit and want to go in the whole big wide world of dance.
I'm very pleased with my decision to go to uni, on the whole I've grown a lot as an individual. Its given me a freedom to discover my place in the world as a functioning adult-type person and I've gained quite a few life skills and discovered how much I like living independently. My course has also provided ample opportunity to expand my creative skills; I have discovered a passion for choreography, an interest in dance academia and its all contributed to my ever-expanding knowledge and love for contemporary dance.
I began my second year of Uni
I've survived my first semester of second year, and I say survived because the last month of the semester I was clinging to the thought that it was almost over. Second year has had its ups and downs. On the up: I've enjoyed the increased amount of individual, independent thought that has been encouraged this year - though at times it's definitely made my brain melt, I've enjoyed studying dance at a much deeper level - in particular improvisation. Though difficult as it has been, I've learnt the importance of understanding how to listen to your body. Both my physical and mental health have declined this year so I've had to learn how to manage this whilst still keeping up with the challenging demands of my course. But it's taught me that I need to take take of my body, because it is in fact my tool, it's what I rely on for my course and as difficult as it is right now - I should try treat it with respect and kindness!
I'm hoping that next semester, with more support, I'll be able to participate in my course as fully as possible and not let this opportunity pass me by. I am disappointed with how I've started second year but given the circumstances, I should try not to be so hard on myself and should be pleased that I finished the semester and didn't give up.
Vegetarianism!
I've maintained being a vegetarian since around February! As someone who last year wouldn't touch a vegetable even if offered monetary bribes, I'm now enjoying eating things I never thought I'd ever try. Being vegetarian has given me an appreciation for the sheer variety of food that is still available to me and I have a great love for tofu, courgette and baby button mushrooms! In the New Year I'm going to try make the transition to veganism which should be fun and who knows what new things I'll be eating - watch out fruit and veg markets!
Mental Health
A tricky and extremely vast topic that probably deserves its whole own series of posts, this year I've had a real struggle with my mental health and it has had quite a significant impact on my life. Due to the development of an eating disorder, my anxiety and depression have been impacted and exacerbated. This whole year has been coloured by this disorder as its evolved and gradually broken me, and I'm angry for how much I've missed out on and the possibilities for life that are passing me by. But I've made the step towards getting help and I know there isn't an instant fix (oh to take a pill and be instantly okay), so 2018 might be the start towards recovery. I'm not very hopeful and I'm reluctant to make any big sweeping statements like 'By next year I'll be 100% recovered', because thats just not realistic, but I've got the support and love of my family to help guide me.I'm very grateful for how understanding my family, friends and teachers have been and I don't know where I'd be right now if I didn't have them.
There are probably a whole bunch of things I've missed out, due to either my memory being affected and obscured, but maybe when I reflect from a better head space I'll be able to realise my achievements and see it wasn't as dreadful a year as I think.
For next year, I want to try and keep up my writing, I keep a journal and I think it's been really beneficial for me to have an outlet where I can just ramble on and let out all of my thoughts without the fear of judgement or response. I'd like to maybe keep this blog going, though I know I'll soon be super busy with uni work - but when I have spare time I'll try post something, big or small.
I want to try be kinder to myself, I hope I am kind to others so maybe I should try a little of that with myself? I want to try be open to the possibility of getting healthier, as difficult as I know it is going to be, I need to find some way of managing because right now I'm struggling and I don't know if I can last another year this way. I'm going to continue to try be open and communicate with my family, we've been making a lot of progress as a family in understanding one another and I realise how privileged I am to have them and all that they are willing to do for me.
I want to feel that I've not wasted the next year of my life. That, by next New Years I don't end up crying in bed by 8pm feeling horrifically overwhelmed, depressed and upset by this whole festive season. Its been a difficult year, but I'm still here I guess? There are things that a healthier Lily would be really proud of achieving this year, and maybe next year I'll have made progress to becoming that healthy, happy, hopeful person that has been obliterated by mental illness.
I hope to anyone reading this that you are in a safe place, that even if things have been extremely difficult this time of year, then that is okay. You are allowed to have ups and downs, that is all part of the big old journey of life! I'm not going to spew a load of positivity quotes and stuff like that because I know how unhelpful and patronising I can find it when I'm in a low place; but hang in there for a bit, you never know what might happen.
2017 you've been a right fucking mission, 2018 maybe could you be a little kinder?
I guess it'll be what I make of it...
With love and light,
Lily
Anywayyyys, I thought I'd make a little post about how my year has gone - I feel like it has been very up and down (mostly down) and I wanted to reassure myself that maybe not everything has been bad.
Lets start with the positives shall we?
I finished my first year at University!
I survived freshers and completed the first year of my dance degree at Chichester uni, and though it feels like a lifetime ago, I finished strong with an overall First for the year which isn't too shabby. Though my second semester of first year started out a little rocky, I found my way through it and enjoyed choreographing work, making progress in technique lessons and learning about where I fit and want to go in the whole big wide world of dance.
I'm very pleased with my decision to go to uni, on the whole I've grown a lot as an individual. Its given me a freedom to discover my place in the world as a functioning adult-type person and I've gained quite a few life skills and discovered how much I like living independently. My course has also provided ample opportunity to expand my creative skills; I have discovered a passion for choreography, an interest in dance academia and its all contributed to my ever-expanding knowledge and love for contemporary dance.
I began my second year of Uni
I've survived my first semester of second year, and I say survived because the last month of the semester I was clinging to the thought that it was almost over. Second year has had its ups and downs. On the up: I've enjoyed the increased amount of individual, independent thought that has been encouraged this year - though at times it's definitely made my brain melt, I've enjoyed studying dance at a much deeper level - in particular improvisation. Though difficult as it has been, I've learnt the importance of understanding how to listen to your body. Both my physical and mental health have declined this year so I've had to learn how to manage this whilst still keeping up with the challenging demands of my course. But it's taught me that I need to take take of my body, because it is in fact my tool, it's what I rely on for my course and as difficult as it is right now - I should try treat it with respect and kindness!
I'm hoping that next semester, with more support, I'll be able to participate in my course as fully as possible and not let this opportunity pass me by. I am disappointed with how I've started second year but given the circumstances, I should try not to be so hard on myself and should be pleased that I finished the semester and didn't give up.
Vegetarianism!
I've maintained being a vegetarian since around February! As someone who last year wouldn't touch a vegetable even if offered monetary bribes, I'm now enjoying eating things I never thought I'd ever try. Being vegetarian has given me an appreciation for the sheer variety of food that is still available to me and I have a great love for tofu, courgette and baby button mushrooms! In the New Year I'm going to try make the transition to veganism which should be fun and who knows what new things I'll be eating - watch out fruit and veg markets!
Mental Health
A tricky and extremely vast topic that probably deserves its whole own series of posts, this year I've had a real struggle with my mental health and it has had quite a significant impact on my life. Due to the development of an eating disorder, my anxiety and depression have been impacted and exacerbated. This whole year has been coloured by this disorder as its evolved and gradually broken me, and I'm angry for how much I've missed out on and the possibilities for life that are passing me by. But I've made the step towards getting help and I know there isn't an instant fix (oh to take a pill and be instantly okay), so 2018 might be the start towards recovery. I'm not very hopeful and I'm reluctant to make any big sweeping statements like 'By next year I'll be 100% recovered', because thats just not realistic, but I've got the support and love of my family to help guide me.I'm very grateful for how understanding my family, friends and teachers have been and I don't know where I'd be right now if I didn't have them.
There are probably a whole bunch of things I've missed out, due to either my memory being affected and obscured, but maybe when I reflect from a better head space I'll be able to realise my achievements and see it wasn't as dreadful a year as I think.
For next year, I want to try and keep up my writing, I keep a journal and I think it's been really beneficial for me to have an outlet where I can just ramble on and let out all of my thoughts without the fear of judgement or response. I'd like to maybe keep this blog going, though I know I'll soon be super busy with uni work - but when I have spare time I'll try post something, big or small.
I want to try be kinder to myself, I hope I am kind to others so maybe I should try a little of that with myself? I want to try be open to the possibility of getting healthier, as difficult as I know it is going to be, I need to find some way of managing because right now I'm struggling and I don't know if I can last another year this way. I'm going to continue to try be open and communicate with my family, we've been making a lot of progress as a family in understanding one another and I realise how privileged I am to have them and all that they are willing to do for me.
I want to feel that I've not wasted the next year of my life. That, by next New Years I don't end up crying in bed by 8pm feeling horrifically overwhelmed, depressed and upset by this whole festive season. Its been a difficult year, but I'm still here I guess? There are things that a healthier Lily would be really proud of achieving this year, and maybe next year I'll have made progress to becoming that healthy, happy, hopeful person that has been obliterated by mental illness.
I hope to anyone reading this that you are in a safe place, that even if things have been extremely difficult this time of year, then that is okay. You are allowed to have ups and downs, that is all part of the big old journey of life! I'm not going to spew a load of positivity quotes and stuff like that because I know how unhelpful and patronising I can find it when I'm in a low place; but hang in there for a bit, you never know what might happen.
2017 you've been a right fucking mission, 2018 maybe could you be a little kinder?
I guess it'll be what I make of it...
With love and light,
Lily
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