Hello, here is a slightly more poetic and self-reflective post about versions of yourself and, how, often mental illness has great affect on who you are and who you perceive yourself to be...
I sat there, closed my eyes and let my face bathe in the sunshine,
The blood of my thin eyelids illuminated in a vibrant glow.
And I wondered if this is how it feels to be living
So often I forget to experience something so small as taking a pause to appreciate the feeling of sunshine hitting your face. My mind is often so full of racing thoughts that trip around one another and tangle me up that I rarely have a moment to myself.
To be the person that loves to take these pauses.
To be the person that isn't always so lost. To be the person that feels comfort in the sun's embrace.
To be the person who doesn't have to spend every waking moment crippled by anxious thoughts.
To be the person that can get through a day without thinking about an easy way out.
To be the person that likes to draw and paint, and not be worried about it looking good enough.
To be the person that has time for others, because so often my time and energy is consumed and spent wastefully on destruction and depression.
To be the person that has control of their life.
Who is this person? Are they hiding round some corner? Observing this imposter, a poor imitation.
Or are they hiding inside me, waiting, biding their time for when the sun shines at the right moment and they lift their hopeful face to it and remember that they aren't gone yet.
It's hard when it feels like multiple version of yourself are living your life for you. Maybe not multiples, but versions of yourself that aren't versions you want to be. I don't want to be ill and spiraling out of control. But which 'I' is that? Which 'I' am I right now?
I think right now, I'm the 'I' who can see with some clarity. For the moment, I can see that things are bad, things have been bad for a while, and things might continue to get bad. But in this moment I can see that this is never a simple thing, there never seems to have be clear solution, one clear direct route out of the darkness. The solution for now is that I am writing this. I am trying to put words to how I feel. The feeling of being trapped inside yourself. Being hopeful yet being terrified of hope because there are other parts of you that deny the very existence or possibility of hope. You become ashamed of being 'hopeful' because there is something telling you everyday that its inevitable that you'll just continue to suffer and be depressed, that nothing will ever get better.
So, maybe its more moments like these that I need. More pauses. Or perhaps, some help and assistance to get more pauses. A guide to understand how to find pauses even when there isn't any sunshine to bask in. To let myself become 'that person' again, that true version of myself that deserves to be here and have their time in the light. It would be a waste to let them continue to diminish into the darkness. As I write this there is a constant battle over the concept of being hopeful and I have a voice saying 'What is the point of these lies? You are never going to get better. You are never going to get out of this.'. But I'm still writing it aren't I? And if you are reading this, then that slither of hopefulness is out in the world, this is a wave hello from 'that person', the true me. In some ways its like a game of hide and seek, and the true me is constantly living in fear of being caught by the sick/bad/'not-quite-me', me; so the safest thing to do is hide. To retreat inward and hide until it is safe to come out again.
This started as a reflection upon the joy of sitting down, closing your eyes and letting the sun shine on your face for a minute. It turned into me trying to pin down how it feels to be mentally ill and battle constantly with the person you wish you were again. And maybe I'll never be the 'old' me, that person is in the past, but I know the version of myself that is healthy. happy and full of life. And I know this better version will still suffer with their mental health, but they'll manage it in a much safer, healthier, easier way.
My apologies if I've been dreadfully confusing with talk about who I am now, versions of myself and who I hope to become, but I guess this serves as an insight to the complete lack of clarity I have in my own head right now! It's never easy to make sense of how you feel, but partially this has helped me to process some of the things I've learned about myself and my current state of mind.
I'm extremely thankful to anyone who has read this and I hope you are finding time to bask in sunshine, even if just for a second, find a spot in front of a window or go outside, and just take a pause, feel the warmth of the sun. Feel its reassuring glow spread over you and find comfort in that brief escape. As a reminder that the world is still here even when it feels like its crashing down around you. (As for when it is dark or when the sun is inevitably shrouded by rainclouds - I've not worked out how to take this pause yet... But when I do, or if anyone can help with that then I'm all ears! And hopefully one day we'll all have our little personal suns-on-our-faces mechanisms that aren't always 100% solar powered)
With love and light,
Lily
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