So, it is New Years eve, the obligatory facebook, twitter and instagram posts recollecting peoples 2017 are pouring forth, everyone is gearing up for a night of celebration and drunken revelry and what am I doing? Sitting at home in front of the fire, watching Peaky Blinders (from the beginning again), waiting for mum to finish dinner so we can continue our Harry Potter marathon. And I'll be honest, I feel absolutely no excitement for the fact its New Years eve. It doesn't even feel like New Years, I've lost track of the days and time is an abstract concept...
Anywayyyys, I thought I'd make a little post about how my year has gone - I feel like it has been very up and down (mostly down) and I wanted to reassure myself that maybe not everything has been bad.
Lets start with the positives shall we?
I finished my first year at University!
I survived freshers and completed the first year of my dance degree at Chichester uni, and though it feels like a lifetime ago, I finished strong with an overall First for the year which isn't too shabby. Though my second semester of first year started out a little rocky, I found my way through it and enjoyed choreographing work, making progress in technique lessons and learning about where I fit and want to go in the whole big wide world of dance.
I'm very pleased with my decision to go to uni, on the whole I've grown a lot as an individual. Its given me a freedom to discover my place in the world as a functioning adult-type person and I've gained quite a few life skills and discovered how much I like living independently. My course has also provided ample opportunity to expand my creative skills; I have discovered a passion for choreography, an interest in dance academia and its all contributed to my ever-expanding knowledge and love for contemporary dance.
I began my second year of Uni
I've survived my first semester of second year, and I say survived because the last month of the semester I was clinging to the thought that it was almost over. Second year has had its ups and downs. On the up: I've enjoyed the increased amount of individual, independent thought that has been encouraged this year - though at times it's definitely made my brain melt, I've enjoyed studying dance at a much deeper level - in particular improvisation. Though difficult as it has been, I've learnt the importance of understanding how to listen to your body. Both my physical and mental health have declined this year so I've had to learn how to manage this whilst still keeping up with the challenging demands of my course. But it's taught me that I need to take take of my body, because it is in fact my tool, it's what I rely on for my course and as difficult as it is right now - I should try treat it with respect and kindness!
I'm hoping that next semester, with more support, I'll be able to participate in my course as fully as possible and not let this opportunity pass me by. I am disappointed with how I've started second year but given the circumstances, I should try not to be so hard on myself and should be pleased that I finished the semester and didn't give up.
Vegetarianism!
I've maintained being a vegetarian since around February! As someone who last year wouldn't touch a vegetable even if offered monetary bribes, I'm now enjoying eating things I never thought I'd ever try. Being vegetarian has given me an appreciation for the sheer variety of food that is still available to me and I have a great love for tofu, courgette and baby button mushrooms! In the New Year I'm going to try make the transition to veganism which should be fun and who knows what new things I'll be eating - watch out fruit and veg markets!
Mental Health
A tricky and extremely vast topic that probably deserves its whole own series of posts, this year I've had a real struggle with my mental health and it has had quite a significant impact on my life. Due to the development of an eating disorder, my anxiety and depression have been impacted and exacerbated. This whole year has been coloured by this disorder as its evolved and gradually broken me, and I'm angry for how much I've missed out on and the possibilities for life that are passing me by. But I've made the step towards getting help and I know there isn't an instant fix (oh to take a pill and be instantly okay), so 2018 might be the start towards recovery. I'm not very hopeful and I'm reluctant to make any big sweeping statements like 'By next year I'll be 100% recovered', because thats just not realistic, but I've got the support and love of my family to help guide me.I'm very grateful for how understanding my family, friends and teachers have been and I don't know where I'd be right now if I didn't have them.
There are probably a whole bunch of things I've missed out, due to either my memory being affected and obscured, but maybe when I reflect from a better head space I'll be able to realise my achievements and see it wasn't as dreadful a year as I think.
For next year, I want to try and keep up my writing, I keep a journal and I think it's been really beneficial for me to have an outlet where I can just ramble on and let out all of my thoughts without the fear of judgement or response. I'd like to maybe keep this blog going, though I know I'll soon be super busy with uni work - but when I have spare time I'll try post something, big or small.
I want to try be kinder to myself, I hope I am kind to others so maybe I should try a little of that with myself? I want to try be open to the possibility of getting healthier, as difficult as I know it is going to be, I need to find some way of managing because right now I'm struggling and I don't know if I can last another year this way. I'm going to continue to try be open and communicate with my family, we've been making a lot of progress as a family in understanding one another and I realise how privileged I am to have them and all that they are willing to do for me.
I want to feel that I've not wasted the next year of my life. That, by next New Years I don't end up crying in bed by 8pm feeling horrifically overwhelmed, depressed and upset by this whole festive season. Its been a difficult year, but I'm still here I guess? There are things that a healthier Lily would be really proud of achieving this year, and maybe next year I'll have made progress to becoming that healthy, happy, hopeful person that has been obliterated by mental illness.
I hope to anyone reading this that you are in a safe place, that even if things have been extremely difficult this time of year, then that is okay. You are allowed to have ups and downs, that is all part of the big old journey of life! I'm not going to spew a load of positivity quotes and stuff like that because I know how unhelpful and patronising I can find it when I'm in a low place; but hang in there for a bit, you never know what might happen.
2017 you've been a right fucking mission, 2018 maybe could you be a little kinder?
I guess it'll be what I make of it...
With love and light,
Lily
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