Catastrophising

In honour of Mental Health Awareness week 2018 (from 14th of May), I thought I'd write a little bit about one of my issues that I've been trying to tackle recently...

I experience anxiety; and a large part of my patterns of thinking and thought processing is shaped by this crippling fear and worry. It can express itself in numerous ways but one thing I, and like many others in this world do, have a tendency to catastrophise. This is when we assume that a situation is considerably worse than it actually is. You believe you've found yourself in the worst-case scenario. It can feel like the entire world is going to end, that there is no way out of this and there is no light at the end of the tunnel. 

Anxiety coupled with depression can make this way of thinking a surefire spiral downwards. It is really easy to let things spiral out of proportion in your mind. You get into a pattern of thinking that everything is terrible and there is no way out of this situation, you feel hopeless. I have this tendency to not be able to see the bigger picture, I'm blind to the fact that it might be possible to get out of the other side. When I'm in the throws of a depressive episode and something bad happens (with hindsight its almost always something never as bad as I first assumed it to be) it can set off this reaction where I assume the worst. It usually involves a lot of paranoid thoughts and assumptions. I start to believe that this moment will have a serious impact on my future and I can let it take me over for a long long time. Sometimes, if I don't challenge these thoughts, they can spiral and continue on until it just becomes another part of my usual thought processes. 

For example, say I get a grade on an essay that I'm not that pleased with (take for example the first time I got a 2:1 not a first at uni), it will start off this chain of thinking:

"Oh wow this is pretty disappointing...this might affect my overall grade... if it does, then I might not finish with a strong grade and then people won't want to employ me... I could end up without a job... I won't be able to live, I could be homeless... My future is worthless... I'm never going to amount to anything... If people know I got this grade, they'll think I'm stupid and that I just pretend to be clever...My teachers will all know I've failed, they'll be disappointed... If my parents find out they'll be disappointed and wonder why they support me in going to uni...I won't be able to write another essay because I'll just have the thought of this bad grade hanging over me..."

This is just some of what my brain conjures up for me deal with. And you can see just how silly some of the things are. I'm probably not going to end up jobless and homeless because of some meaningless grade on a test. But its very easy to just say to someone 'you know its not really that bad', so how do we deal with these thoughts? We have to challenge patterns of thinking, once you do this, it starts to re-wire the way you've programmed yourself to react to situations.

Each time you feel yourself spiraling out, firstly, try to put the incident or situation in perspective. Does this one thing affect my entire life, are all aspects of my life falling apart or do they just feel like they are? If its something to do with work, think, how are things with my family, my home, my friends? Usually you can see that in perspective with the rest of your life, this is one segment that at the moment isn't going right, so don't let it negatively impact upon the rest of your life. Remember that your thoughts don't define you. You have this perspective of yourself and your own personal opinion of yourself clouds your judgement. What feels to you like its causing the literal end of the world as we know it might only be a minor inconvenience to others. This doesn't mean people have the right to scoff and brush off peoples problems and label them drama queens etc, it means we have to respect that people handle things differently and that we all have our own measures of pain, worry, upset, discomfort and so on. 

A premise of acceptance and commitment therapy is that we should first acknowledge that we are having this disturbing thought. We all have them. The more that you acknowledge and accept that you are having these thoughts, the more likely it is that it will pass and we won't become bogged down by it. Whether a thought passes or becomes stuck largely has to do with what we make of it.  

Its very easy to let yourself get carried away with abolishing your future when you feel hopeless. Depression and hopelessness make fine companions. Feelings of hopelessness stem from making the cognitive error of applying present concerns to both short and long-term future. We assume that because things are bad right now, this is the way it will always be. And for me this has certainly cause me to get stuck in my ways, I think 'i'm going to be like this forever so why should today be any different' and it doesn't allow me to challenge my thinking or recognise any thoughts that might be counter to my current situation. I'd liken it to when you have a cold and a blocked nose, you can't remember how it feels to be able to breathe properly. But then, eventually, you get over the cold and you can breathe clearly again. With mental health, it can take a long time for things to get better, but this doesn't mean you should deny the possibility of improvement. 

When I get over the other side of a tough moment I realise that it was possible for me to make it through the other side. When I think back to this year alone there are moments where I thought suicide would be the only option because I literally could see no other way out from under the darkest of clouds. But I'm still here, it was a gnarly rough journey, but I made it.  I'm trying to challenge my irrational thinking. I'm making a conscious choice to look at all of the options, know that, yes, bad things happen and I will feel pain and all of these bad emotions that make me a human, but they can only be temporary. There is always a solution. If I can't see one, its just that I've not uncovered it yet. Sometimes time is the only thing that can help. I've learnt its a great healer, I'm still trying to trust that! 

So,  I hope this has been somewhat of a help if you, like myself, fall into that terrible trap of magnifying our problems and letting our thoughts control us. It is possible to challenge your thinking, it takes small steps, but repetition is the best way to learn. 

Love and light, 

Lily

Feeling like spring

Today is perhaps the first day this year that it's felt like spring is finally here. There was a hazy warmth that had settled over the freshly mown grass. Fresh magnolia blooms on the trees. A dosy bumblebee, bravely venturing out, seeking pollen to carry heavy on fuzzy legs.
The warm breath of spring that carried on the slight breeze.

Its times like this that I truly believe the seasons have a large impact on my mood and general mental health. Whether its coincidence that medication and therapy are starting to take effect or simply the increase in vitamin D, but I can feel minute changes.

In winter it feels like things will never get better. I always feel the darkness and cold seep into my bones. It infects my being for months. A cold I can't shake. I find it so hard to find the light. Maybe that is why I'm starting to prefer summer, I used to love autumn, but now I only want the heat and the light. Because I know that if its lighter and brighter I don't have to work as hard to maintain a better mood, somehow it happens naturally.

I just love noticing things shifting slightly. When they've been the same grey cloudy streets you've walked for months you notice when a warm ray of sun spills down through leafy green foliage. There is a palpable sense in people that things are heading towards warmer times, better days, brighter moments.It makes me feel more hopeful.

 Hope you are all well,
Love and light,
Lily

Then | Now

Hello everyone, uni has started back and I'm in kind of a good place. I had a decent past week where I was extremely productive and got all of the work I needed to do done and ready for this week. I'm trying not to let my anxiety get hyped up thinking about things too far in the future that I can't change; because that is a big habit of mine. I've got a busy few weeks ahead, but I can hopefully blast through them and finish my second year in a better place than I started!

 So, I found an excerpt of hurried notes that I'd written a couple of weeks ago when I was in a really dark place, and I thought I'd do a comparison between how I felt then and how I feel now. I think it serves as a reminder to me that even through the darkest of times I have the strength to pull through. Things aren't all butterflies and rainbows now but they are a bit better, and that's what I need to hold onto for now.

Then/Now

I honestly feel like I'm going to be dealing with this forever - I'll be honest, you're right, you'll probably be dealing with some form of this for the rest of your life, but it's the intensity of the issue and how you deal with it that is important. You'll learn to manage and live with it. 

I feel trapped and overwhelmed and out of control and I can't deal with it anymore - You should remember that though it feels this way now, there is always the potential for change.

I want to get out and I can't do this anymore -  I understand, I still feel that I've had enough, but at the moment it's less intense.

I hate it - I hate it, you're right on that count.

I'm in so deep and I don't see a way out - When things get bad, it's always a tendency to spiral downward, you remember all of your therapists talking about the downward spiral and one thing leads to another and you just keep digging down. But if you can make one tiny change for the better, a tiny step forward, it might not even be in the form you expect but it can start off that journey back up the spiral - because it works in reverse too - you can have a positive upward spiral.

I don't want the rest of my life to be dominated by this disease. I don't want to have my time consumed by this fucking disorder - I agree wholeheartedly, I'm still dominated by this disease and I hate how it twists my thinking and my mind. But we're starting to work into it, you just need to be in a settled place so that you can start to implement the work you are beginning to do with therapy.

I don't want to be thirty and still stuck in these disgusting cycles - I really don't want to find myself still in this cycle when I'm older, but I have to remember that people do get out of them, people do recover and start to do better. People live long full healthy lives and I'm just as capable of that if I put my mind to it.

I would rather die than have to deal with this - You are strong. You've dealt with this rough patch, you've made it out the other side, granted not wholly unscathed but you pulled through. You persisted.

Because I don't know if it will be possible to recover fully - It is.

I don't think this will ever be something I can get over. I don't know if I'll ever be free of this disorder

It just keeps going on and on and getting worse and I'm stuck in the same cycles without getting anywhere and I'm fed up. - With hard work and determination and also a lot of pain and suffering, discomfort and challenges, that's how you'll start to free yourself. And you can say all of this now, but its a completely different story to actually do it and put it into practice, but positive affirmations can have an effect.

I honestly want to turn to suicide because I can't cope anymore. It seems like the easy way out. I've not had a good day in so long and I've put on so much weight and I feel so sick and so full and disgusting. And it's just getting worse and out of control and and I can't seem to stop - This is how you felt then. How you feel now is that you acknowledge this dip in your mood, and extreme turmoil that led to a lot of destructive behaviours. Your body changes daily, but you can't be afraid of it constantly. I know you have the obsession with looking perfect but your current ideals aren't healthy. I think for the most part you just want to feel comfortable and able to think freely and able to carry on with your life to the best of your abilities. You may think about suicide, but think about the reasons you stopped yourself. Your family - you know it would destroy them. And your friends - though you don't believe it, but they'd be devastated too. Think about how hard you've worked to get here, don't let all this life go to waste. You've got something inside you, you are just experiencing a really tough time. Acknowledge that and accept all the help you can get. We're nowhere near out of the woods yet but at least we're kind of above ground today... 

To any future me going through another inevitable rough patch - It can get better, you can make it out into the light again. It'll be hell to get there but it's possible, sometimes you just have to hold on. Remember what helps you feel better, do the things you know you need to do that will make you feel better; don't continue to punish yourself doing things you know will just push you deeper. 

It's possible to get better. Sometimes it takes a long, long, looooonnnngggg time, but you have time. Keep going. 

Thank you for reading this, 

love and light 

Lily 

A love for writing

I love writing. I think it is something I've always been interested in and I've never grown bored of capturing my thoughts on paper. I've never stopped keeping a diary since I learnt to write. I've got a mountain of old diaries and notebooks, from a fluffy pink padlocked diary to my current thick paperchase notebook. All full of my thoughts and dreams and all of the things I've been too afraid to voice aloud.

I haven't really ever been good at talking. It can be exhausting. I feel terrified I'll say the wrong words or not get out all I need to say so it's better off that I just don't say anything at all. I used to regret not speaking up, like those times when you think of a witty retort but the moment has long passes; that's what I feel like constantly. But now I feel like I just let it pass without mourning my possible lost contributions to conversation. I don't mind not sharing everything I'm thinking. It makes the times when I do contribute that much more meaningful because they must be important or valuable because I've let the words escape the cage of my mouth.

I enjoy the act of writing too. Its a magical thing when you really break down how we as humans have created language and the ability to write. It is just a bunch of squiggles on a page and yet we can discern so much from these random assortments of letters. Its an incredibly sophisticated and complex system that I so often take for granted. When I remember just how incredible the system of writing is, I feel extremely grateful that I can read and write and feel sad when I think about people in this world that don't have that luxury.

Writing is therapeutic, but it can be frustrating at times. When I know what I want to say in my mind but can't seem to harness the words needed to express myself. Sometimes thoughts, concepts, emotions are just too elusive and phenomenal to pin down. As annoying as this can be, I think its quite beautiful; that your ideas can be so big and unknown that they defy language. That our minds still have the ability to stump language. Which makes it even more satisfying and impressive when you read how someone has somehow managed to capture and illustrate and feeling in such a way that makes perfect relative sense. And its completely gratifying when you read back a sentence you've written and re-written a thousand times to see it finally reads just how you need it to and it perfectly captures what you have in your mind.

I get frustrated when I can't write my academic work. I don't know why its so hard sometimes. I can write a 1000+ word blog in under 15 minutes, but an essay? That can take weeks. I think I need to trust myself more. I have this tendency to edit myself off the page. I assume what I'm thinking won't work on paper so I don't even make the attempt to put it down. It leaves me with very little to work with and I get stuck in this cycle of procrastination and putting myself off writing because I fear I'll never write the perfect essay. Which isn't helpful. My journalism teacher always says that when you tense up and get in your head, your brain tenses up too and you can't write. But with a relaxed brain, you find that words flow and you soon have too much to deal with and consequently need to edit a lot.

I guess I'm constantly growing and learning as a writer. I've never considered myself as a writer, it has just been something I've always done. There is something I relish in reading my own thoughts in the future, looking back to see where in life I had found myself in that moment. Like little time-capsules, giving you an insight into your mind. Even things I've written yesterday feel like a different me to where I am currently. We constantly shift and change and writing is a way of documenting that never fails.

I hope you've enjoyed these ramblings about writing, I'm sure I could edit this blog and make it say what I need it to in a more poetic/clean/tidy/eloquent way but, its come straight from my head and I don't feel like editing myself. This is my authentic stream-of-consciousness and thank you for reading,

Love and light.
Lily

Friends in your ears

Growing in popularity in recent years through platforms like Spotify, YouTube and itunes; podcasts are an excellent form of entertainment and the range of subjects and formats continues to expand and develop. For those not in the know, a podcast is a digital audio file that can be downloaded or streamed. When it comes to podcasts, I think I'm quite picky...

Firstly, I have to get on with the persons voices if I'm to engage with the podcast and pay attention to what someone is saying, rather than be fixated on someones voice because I find it irritating! There was once a Game of Thrones podcast I tried getting into, but couldn't make it past five minutes because one of the hosts had a habit of taking really deep breaths in between sentences and for some reason my hyper-sensitive brain was just like 'nope, can't concentrate, can only hear rEALLY LOUD BREATHING' so I gave up on that one... But once you do find voices you like, it makes the whole experience so much more enjoyable!

Secondly, the topics. I usually find myself drawn to podcasts that discuss something I already have an interest in. For example a television series or books, because I've probably exhausted all other avenues of reliving that show, so find podcasts as another fix for my obsessions. Take for example Game of Thrones, I'd finished the latest season and really wanted more, but until the next season arrives, I found a podcast that discussed each episode in detail and thought 'Oh yes, here wE GO, MORE NERDS THAT SHARE MY LOVE'. And that is really what's great about podcasts, they usually are hosted by passionate people, who enjoy discussing their passions. I adore information and absorb learning so I seek it anywhere I can get it.

Thirdly, they can be so relaxing and comforting. As someone who enjoys their own company a lot (aka, bit of a loner), I find podcasts to be a great relief when you want to listen to other people but don't have the energy to engage yourself in the conversation.  It's a great form of entertainment, boring bus journey or walk to uni? Listen to a podcast! I like to switch between music and podcasts, especially when I'm a bit tired of the music I've been listening too recently. I think podcasts are a great combination of entertainment and education, in a really easy format that is accessible to many.


So, I thought I'd discuss a few of the podcasts I love, there are thousands of different podcasts around and you can find so many different topics but these are some of my favourite recommendations:


RuPaul: What's the tee? With Michelle Visage
 In this podcast RuPaul and his co host Michelle Visage discuss pop culture, advice, beauty advice and behind the scenes of their hit show, RuPaul's Drag Race. 

This was the first ever podcast I started listening to! After devouring all of the RuPauls's drag race on Netflix and YouTube, I needed more RuPaul so I started listening to this podcast with Queen Ru herself and the wonderful Michelle Visage. Each week they usually have a guest with whom they discuss careers, life stories and they give such wonderful advice and share so much experience. For me its been helpful in my journey of discovering more about LGBTQ+ culture and the drag community and it's just so damn hilarious. They have a wonderful balance of sincere deep meaningful reflective discussions and irreverent comedy, I definitely would recommend this to drag race fans and anyone into LGBTQ+ culture.

Some fave episodes -  Ep 102:Natasha Lyonne, Ep 36: The crunch heard around the world with Shangela, Ep 114: Tracee Ellis Ross, Ep 81: Ear Hair Trimmers


Jenna and Julien Podcast 
Welcome to the Jenna & Julien Podcast where we talk about all the things. If you are looking for your everyday, normal, by the book podcast, then you're in the wrong place.

This podcast can be found on YouTube and its hosted by two of my favourite youtubers. Each week they either have discussions, have guests or play games and just have fun. I find them hilarious and some of my favourite episodes are where they play fun games and just goof about!

Some fave episodes - #22: Playing the Newlywed Game, #36: Dog Stories, #121: Christine and Elijah, #144: Don't get me started


Harry Potter and the Sacred text 
It's the English class you didn't know you missed and the meaningful conversations you didn't know you craved. Join Vanessa Zoltan and Casper ter Kuile as they bring thought, reflection and laughter to Harry Potter; not just as novels, but as instructive and inspirational texts that will teach us about our own lives.

As a Potterhead, this podcast is really great to listen to people analysing the books and looking at them on a much deeper level. From the title it may sound like its really religious, and the hosts are both quite religious, but its in no way imposing religion onto these books. In fact it is more of a literature podcast, delving into the Harry Potter books to find meaning and inspiration that can teach more about our own lives. They are really great and uplifting and its brilliant to re-look at a series of books I've loved for so long.

Some fave episodes - Friendship:Halloween (Book 1, Ch 10), Responsibility: The Whomping Willow (Book 2, Ch 5), Sanctuary: Aragog (Book 2, Ch 15)


The Heart of it with Estee Lalonde 
In this series, lifestyle blogger and author, Estee Lalonde explores subjects close to her heart through the unique experiences and perspectives of her guests. 

I think the format of this podcast is what I most enjoy, rather than just straight discussion, Estee combines segments of her own thoughts, with interviews and sound clips. I find this podcast to be really chill and I find Estee a really inspiring woman and love the variety of topics she discusses; which are always interesting and significant to her.

Some fave episodes: Strength, Mom, Feminism, Tattoos


Game of Microphones: A Game of Thrones podcast
Join us each week as we go in-depth and celebrate this amazing, dark, complex show, Game of Thrones. 

There are a load of GoT themed podcasts available but this is one of my favourites. They discuss each episode and they have this format of talking about different moments, characters, story lines or themes from the episode and discuss and rank them in order.

Some fave episodes: 12: Hardhome (S5E8), 26: Battle of the Bastards (S6E9), 35: The Spoils of War (S7E4)

I hope you've enjoyed this post, I urge you to search for podcasts, there are so many genres and so much to discover and its so easy to learn - just put some headphones in and let your brain go on a journey!

With love and light,
Lily

Feeling Kind Of Down

Insight into a current state of mind 

So, I wrote this when I was in a bad way, right now I feel the same way, but when you read this maybe I’ll be feeling different! However, I wanted to put this out there, it’s my impression of my thoughts and emotions and my lack of communicative ability when I’m feeling down and in a deeper depression.  I’d say enjoy but perhaps that’s a bit too much irony, even for me…

 Whenever I feel sad/depressed/low whatever you want to call it, the hardest thing I find to do is to communicate. It’s not like I’m a small baby who can just cry and scream whenever something is bothering me (I wish that was acceptable communication for an almost-20-year-old) but I’m not, so I should communicate using my big grown up words. The trouble is, when I feel low, I can’t easily let someone else know how I feel or explain why I might be behaving a certain way.

I am often wondering why this is. I can communicate well when I’m happy? when I’m angry I can shout or stomp off in a huff? But when I feel absolutely miserable, I barely have the energy to make eye-contact with anyone. Is this because I just don’t have the words to describe how I feel? Oh, but I do: miserable, worthless, depressed, dull. I feel like a burnt-out candle that has been left to sit around on a shelf, gathering dust and losing its scent. I feel that, even when I’m naked, the heavy weight of a rucksack sits on my shoulders. I feel like the gloom of a day where the sun never once makes an appearance through the grey blanket of cloud. I can put words to how I feel, but the thing is, everyone always asks ‘why?’. And that is the part I struggle with.

When you are depressed, there may never be a reason for why you feel a certain way except the imbalanced levels of chemical in your brain; and it can be hard for others to grasp this concept. They need a solid concrete answer because I guess that way it might be easier for them to find a solution to how you feel. People always want to make you feel better, maybe because they love you and want to help or maybe because they can’t bear to be around you when you are a moping maudlin mess. Either way, it seems to be programmed into us that we need to have words and explanations for everything, and sometimes for me that is just not possible.

I feel guilty for not being able to let people into my mind, to give them at least some idea why I’m behaving the way I am. I leave them with no clue as to what is wrong or how they can help me. I feel dreadful for my family who don’t know how to talk to me or who feel like they need to tiptoe around me when I’m like this. It sucks, and I hate feeling trapped in my own vacuum of silence.

Of course, I know I won’t feel this way forever, maybe not even for the whole week, but right now I feel content to let this feeling wash over me, maybe I’ll settle in it for a while, but you know what? That’s okay. It’s okay to let your emotions lead you around for a moment. However, the thing I am working on is how to deal with my life surrounding the immediate bubble of my mind. I think I’m learning to manage and cope when I have deeper depressive episodes, I no longer sit for days in my room, isolated and stagnant; partially because I have work and parents who thankfully prod me into action, but also because I’ve learnt I can juggle my mental health and my life. This is not to say I don’t have days where I want nothing more than to lay in bed and stare at the ceiling for hours and hours. But I’m learning. 

This post started talking about me and my inability to communicate but I guess this post is evidence that I’ve just managed to communicate something. In real life, it is a lot harder, but for now, writing is okay and if even one person reads this then I’ve communicated, and that is good enough for now.

Thank you for witnessing and somewhat validating me,

Love and light,

Lily 

❍ 

‘You are walking around with your head on fire and no one can see the flames’ – Matt Haig, Reasons To Stay Alive

Goodbye hair!

I should probably preface this with a trigger warning – I talk about feeling extremely low and mention suicide.

I cut off my hair

Why? I’m not entirely sure. I’ve been really struggling recently, and I think it culminated in me having a breakdown and literally taking the scissors to my own hair and hacking at it. Which has left me with pretty a short haircut. My mum says it looks cute but to be honest, its ugly and I think I hate it. Its going to take a lot of getting used to and its not going to look okay until it grows out a bit…

So, why is it that when you feel out of control your hair gets the brunt of your anger? I’ve cut my own hair before but never out of rage or out of feeling severely depressed and uncontrolled.

What does my hair symbolise for me and what does it mean to sever it all off? I’ve grown to severely dislike my hair recently because it’s become very thin and I can’t get it to look nice. I’ve kind of given up on it and I think I thought ‘you know what, lets just fuck it up even more because I can’t look any uglier’ – and guess what, I really can… 

Fuck my life. Honestly. Things feel horrendous and I spend everyday at the pit of this depression. And I don’t feel like I’ll ever be getting out of it. Suicide has been on my mind. Its felt like the option for me with the least resistance and the least amount of pain. Of course, this pain would be felt by my family and my friends if I did commit suicide. The pain doesn’t just go away if I don’t feel it – its felt by other people around me. I don’t want to destroy my family even further, but I feel like ending it is the only option left to me at this point. I’m so sick and tired of feeling this way and I have said multiple times this past week that I can’t do it anymore. And this time it feels different, this time its very true- before I’ve said it and there has been a hint of untruth to those words leaving my mouth. But this time, I let them escape and they sit there in the air around me and reinforce that thought that I really can’t go on living like this. 

The thing is, I don’t know how to change things. I see people now and I’m in therapy but it’s not helping. I don’t really feel like its helping anything. I see one person for my eating disorder and another for my general mental health, but its all linked. It isn’t separate at all. Having this separation between myself and my mind is wrenching me apart. My eating disorder isn’t a separate part of my mental health – it’s a huge part of it and its ridiculous for me to try and tackle things separately. Because when I’m seeing my non-ED specialist and things about my ED come up it feels like a barrier and I feel like I can’t talk freely, and this seriously inhibits me getting any benefits from the therapy. I hate it and I feel like I can’t say anything because then the support might get taken away. I’m scared of admitting I’m suffering and I’m in this place right now because I want to keep up this pretence that I’m doing okay and I’m strong enough. Because I’m do terrify of people thinking I’m weak. Because that’s when things get taken away from me and that is what I hate. 

I don’t know where my mind it at. I hate my eating disorder for taking so much away from me. But I also hate myself for not being strong enough. I hate myself for how fat I am right now. I’ve put on weight and this distresses me to no end. I feel like I’m behind on uni work. I know what I want to work on and I am really interested in my work right now, but I find it so difficult to concentrate on anything. I am so all over the place. I sat on the bus today and cried in public. I hate crying in public, but I felt so low I didn’t even care, I just let the tears roll down my cheeks. It’s the feeling of no longer caring that scares me most – When I did care this was at least a little tie to the world but when I don’t care it doesn’t stop me from destroying myself. It was once a safety net – that I still cared a tiny bit about myself, but now, that’s gone. So, I feel unstable and free-floating in the world.

I don’t want to ruin my final few weeks of this semester at uni. I’ve got to make my way through it. But I don’t know if I’m going to. I’ve not had a good day in weeks. Things just keep spiralling downwards and out of control and I can’t pull myself out of this shit-hole.

So, this started off as a post about cutting my hair, but it poured out into me explaining how much of a shit-hole I’m in right now. Things are all a nightmare right now and I wish I could have a day without thinking about how horrific I feel. Minutes feel like hours and I feel like I’m dragging myself through each day, but time is also slipping away and I’m wasting days to this illness.

Who knows where I’ll be next week. Next month. In three months. In a year. I’m so sick and tired. So exhausted and I feel so low and out of control.

Sorry if this post is a lot, 

love and light, 

Lily 

Vinyl

This is a long overdue post about one of my newer loves in life - my record player.


For my 20th birthday I bought myself a record player. I'm not sure what exactly inspired it but a few of my friends have record players and I thought it was a cool process, the whole collecting vinyl, setting up the player, the vibe of it, and then of course - how amazing it sounds. I think its something I've always been interested in doing but haven't had the funds or the opportunity and hey it was my birthday -so treat yo'self.  
Also, we'd recently been to visit my Grandpa Jack and collected a few of mums old records that she used to listen to, including a couple of Pink Floyd albums, so that was another reason for getting one (not that I didn't really need much persuasion!). I think the only thing putting me off was not wanting to make the wrong decision and end up spending money on a flimsy shit player that could potentially ruin any records I got!
 And the actual buying of the thing was probably the most stressful part of this whole experience (that and when I thought I'd blown a speaker). I'd done a bit of research (okay, a LOT of research) because I knew the wide variety of players available and also the wide price range. You can get players with built-in amplifier and speakers e.g the retro, Crosley type players, which have their advantages in portability, ease of use, immediate sound production and they are relatively cheap. But they also have their disadvantages in that the sound quality can sometimes be limited and a lot of audiophiles (aka Hi-Fi enthusiasts) don't recommend them due to how heavy the cartridge arm can be which puts a lot of pressure on your record and eventually wears the vinyl down too much - ruining the record. So then I looked at the next kind of price bracket, which are turntables, these don't have built in amplifiers or speakers so you need to invest in those too. There is a huge range in terms of price they can go from around a £100 right up to £3000+ for the REALLY fancy ones. But I settled for the Lenco L-85 which I discovered from my research was a good turntable for beginners because its user friendly, has decent, enjoyable sound for the money, is good with voices and is reasonably priced with good features.

So, the day of my birthday I couldn't wait and me and my mum went out to Guildford to go shopping and get my record player! I got the actual turntable from HMV and then it was a stress to try and find speakers. We were going to go with a turntable that had speakers in the bundle with it but I thought if I was going to get a decent turntable then I needed decent speakers. So we traipsed around town and looked in all of the places we'd assumed would have speakers but alas they didn't have the ones we needed. But, we called up a music store and they thankfully had some. They were super helpful in the shop (and the sales guy was super cool...) and I only had to wait around an hour for them to get delivered to the shop. In that time I went into town and spent some more of my birthday money and I got my first record - Radiohead's The Bends!

I remember riding the bus home clutching my speakers and my bags of shopping and feeling so elated and full of birthday happiness. Itching to get home and set up my record player and listen to the records if brought!

I was nervous setting everything up, I really didn't want to damage everything but I got it all set up and put on The Bends... WOOOO! It was incredible just hearing the first notes of the record and then the track kicked in and the heavenly sounds of Radiohead came crashing around me! Mum has a video of me and my face just lights up like a child on crimbus morning!

I spent the rest of the day listening to the records I'd brought (led zep, Moose blood, Bon Iver) and the records I'd rescued from grandpa Jack's house. It was magical lsitening to a Pink Floyd album that my mum had when she was my age. And a copy of Bob Dylans the time are changing. 
In the evening when my family came over it was a really experience to sit around and listen to records together as a family!

Thus began my collecting! Currently I've got around 40 or so records and my collection will only grow! It's a great hobby and I inspired my uncle to get out his collection of vinyl and his record player again and I even went over for a record listening evening!

I wish I knew more people who had record players, I want to borrow and share vinyl and geek out over awesome 2nd hand record finds! Also vinyl can be expensive so it's cost effective to share and borrow!
There does seem to be a whole commericalism to vinyl now, I'm so pleased its back in fashion - but that doesn't mean consumers should be sold dreadfully poor quality record players and overpriced vinyl in urban outfitters (£38 for a 12" is ridiculous...)!

Anyway, this was a rambling post about vinyl and my love for record collecting! I hope you enjoyed reading and I hope this maybe inspires you to listen to records!

Love and light,
Lily

Weathering the storm

Hello,

So last week was a bit turbulent to say the least, the thing is, it wasn't a dreadful downwards spiral, but it was full of manic highs too which was the most disconcerting and de-stablising thing. But, despite all of this, I'm still here.

I'm here in uni on a monday morning, sat in the library about to get on with some work. I've just had a ballet class which wasn't too dreadfu, I actually enjoyed it slightly (as much as I can enjoy this particular teacher's barrage of cynical commentary). Yesterday I spent time with my aunties and I've got things to look forward to. I guess I just want to recognice that I made it through, when previously I don't think I would have coped as much as I managed to. Or more likely, my coping mechanisms would've been a lot more destructive. And I'm still relying on bad coping mechanisms but I guess I'm becoming more self-aware of the patterns of behaviour I fall into and I'm trying to find ways of breaking those cycles. It feels impossible sometimes, these behavioral patterns have become so ingrained in me and its like a safety blanket. I'm scared to break out and do things that will help me in the long run - because right now they are scary and unknown. 

I had a bad week last week - but in who's mind? I'm the only one who knows how bad it was and I'm the only one able to judge it, but that also makes me unable to be objective and judge whether it really was that bad. I think it certainly could've been more positive, I felt a bit out of control and unstable in terms of impulsive habits and obeying compulsions.

However, its a new week and I made it through the storm; I can only try and make this week better. Its difficult the first day after a bad week, you don't want to ruin it on the first day of the 'reset' but also it would just be so easy to fall back into those familiar comforting habits. I don't know why I see monday's as a chance to reset, why can't I just live each day without this idea of it being a good or bad day; can't I just have a day?
I think this idea of days being good or bad has definitely stemmed over time from my disordered eating. If I managed to stay below a certain number of calories or not binge/purge one day then this would be classed as a 'good' day. If I "overate", didn't exercise enough or failed to purge then it would be a 'bad' day. I still have this mentality and its difficult to not let it filter into my everyday general  thinking, for example - 'if I don't do well in this class then it's a bad day' or 'if  I don't get this piece of work done then its a bad day'. I don't know if this comes from my need to feel in control; when I get done what I need to and if I do things perfectly then I feel in control and on top of things. But when even one thing goes out of line or not according to plan then I feel like I'm no longer in control. And I'll get set off by unexpected things, I';ll go into a tailspin because of something completely out of my control - but there is no way I can help it, I need to learn how to deal with the unexpected and undesirable because my current reactions include a great deal of panic, anxiety and really bad coping mechanisms.

I'm on a journey trying to understand my thinking, trying to kind of sort my life out whilst also discovering more about myself. I'm not doing it completely alone but with the help of mental health professionals I'm remembering my previous experiences with therapy and reprogramming my thinking to try get me in a healthier,safer mindset.

It's terrifying and confusing and I don't feel anywhere near 100% yet but I'm working on it. I've made that initial step towards getting better - I'm accepting I need help and I'm actively working with everything I get given. I could definitely do more but I'm not ready yet, it'll take time. I can't expect some miraculous recovery overnight. Time and patience. Time, patience and kindness. I just have to think, if I was recovering from a broken leg, I wouldn't expect to get up and start running the next day, it takes rehabilitation and plenty of time to recover. Easier said than done, but I can allow myself time.

Thank you for reading this smush of thoughts,
With love and light,
Lily

Body Hair!

Hello!

A short little post today, all about something that I've learnt to embrace, something that occurs naturally but is something so usually viewed with disgust on the female body...

As you can glean from the title this is a post all about body hair! The other day I was chatting with some friends and one of them mentioned how they'd recently shaved their legs but seemed to have missed a few stray hairs; this flowed on into confessions of needing to shave or neglecting to shave, and I threw it out there that I've not shaved in probably over six months or so.
"WHat?! Even your underarms?" "Yep!"

Now, I was feeling brave this day and jokingly offered if they wanted to see, assuming they'd obviously decline and leave my hairy underarms to their imagination; little did I think I'd be met with curiosity and a desire to see! So, I showed them. This is the first time I think I've ever showed anyone my armpit hair in this context, it was a little strange, as if being some strange specimen in an exhibit, but I'm so keen to normalise the fact that I have armpit hair. Instead of being met with disgust (which was what I've been conditioned to expect), they were surprised at how natural it looked and how it wasn't like I had long, flowing, plait-able tresses sprouting from my armpits - just slightly curly, dark short hairs.

As dancers, we see guys armpit hair all the time. They can wear vests without a second thought to the fact it will expose their underarm hair. Yet as females, we are expected to shave and keep most areas hair-free. I don't find that fair and to be honest I've grown to not care about not satisfying peoples expectations. Of course I still get self-conscious about wearing vests, I've not braved a ballet lesson in just a leotard and no cover-shirt yet, but as summer draws closer I'm going to try it out! I think I'm just scared of other peoples reactions, I'd rather they said 'wow, you've got armpit hair' to my face rather than talk about it behind my back. I want to open up discussion about body hair, about normalising it, especially in this profession. Dance is so image-conscious, I think more could be done to try get away from this idealisation of the perfect ballerina aesthetic. This is not to say that if you want to shave you can't, go ahead and shave everywhere if you want! I'm not against shaving, I just don't want there to be a pressure or automatic assumption that it's something we need to do.

If ever I have care of a child, I want them to grow up being unashamed of their natural body, want them to not feel the pressure to conform to an impossible ideal. I want them to be comfortable and happy whatever they choose to do with their body hair. I think more women should just let their hair grow; shaving and maintenance is a pain in the ass anyway!

I like my body hair!
Maybe losing a lot of the hair from my head makes me want to retain as much as my natural hair as possible?
i like seeing the little curling swirls that my underarm hair forms
i like when the fuzzy halo of fur on my legs is illuminated in the light
i like how coarse and strong my pubic hair is

Does this talk of body hair make you uncomfortable? I'm not going to apologise for that!
I'm comfortable with my body hair now, and I feel pretty liberated by that!

Anyway, thank you for reading this,
As always, love and light,

lily

3Fall Audition

Hello everyone,

It's a grey drizzly Friday today, a kind of lulled ending to a rather tumultuous week! For a second year dance student at Chichester Uni, this week has been a bit of tough one (even more than usual - if you can believe that). For those of us really wanting to pursue performance, there is the opportunity in our final year to audition for 3Fall; the third year performance company. And yep, this week was auditions!

After having been given under a weeks notice of the audition and rushing to cobble together a decent, non-braggy, professional-feeling application, there was a definite feeling of general panic, verging on hysteria that settled into everyone. (To be honest, its still there, as we nervously await the dreaded rejection/acceptance emails!) I thought I'd write a little about my experience of the audition because it was one of the most enjoyable experiences I've had so far at this uni and I think I surprised myself with how much I enjoyed it (and how I didn't even want to cry once (except maybe when we had to do a dive-roll within a piece of rep......)).

There are two parts to the audition, a class; where they assess your technique and physical skill, then a repertory section where they see how well you can pick up material and you really show your performance skills. One of our newest teachers Luke Brown took the technique class, which was a great relief to everyone, having dreaded seeing who they'd asked to put us through our paces. I tried to treat it as just another technique class and be chilled and enjoy it, which is easier said than done. Especially when you've got your head of department and 3Fall director sitting a desk scouring over your application form...But I settled into the class and eventually could shake the feeling of being watched and just show how much I enjoy moving.

I'm by far not the best technician, but I feel like I really understand my body now and I move in a way that allows me to demonstrate my individuality. I really enjoy technique class especially when the teacher is so responsive, I felt like the vibe created in Luke's class allowed us all to feel like we were learning so much with each exercise. I challenged myself quite a lot in this class too, perhaps more than I would in a general technique class; which I maybe shouldn't admit to but I think the audition environment creates that drive and you push yourself that much more. It perhaps showed me what I am capable of doing so that in my usual technique classes I know I can achieve so much more and push even further. I tried my hardest to be at the front and made sure I could see what was going on because I always dance more confidently when I know exactly what I am doing; if I don't know the material then I tend to crumble! I hope I managed to show what I'm capable of and the potential I have for development.

Then, just as we were finishing up the technique class with some extremely fast and exhilarating travel phrases, in came the whole cast of the current 3Fall dancers. Cue me having a slight heart attack... But really I think the addition of 16 pairs of eyes made me push myself that much harder.

The second part of the audition involved learning some of the current company repertoire. A duet from choreographer Joe Garbett, a trio from James Wilton and some unison from Abi Mortimer. Each section of material was different and demanded us to switch between styles, adaptability and versatility is something they were looking for. Alongside our ability to pick up material quickly. I was really grateful to work with my lovely friend Tyler, who I'm super comfortable working with and who I know is a brilliant dancer.  We kind of made our way through the duet, it didn't go horrendously wrong at least! Then for the trio, we were joined by Megan and I have to say, I think we absolutely smashed this trio. There was A LOT of liftwork and quite athletic, acrobatic elements so I was glad to be with two very strong dancers! I think we kept up well and gave a pretty decent performance. It was exhilarating to show what we could do, I feel like we really really pushed ourselves and for just learning the material in twenty minutes, it was crazy! There was one moment where we fumbled a lift slightly, but instead of moving on I was like 'NO, lets do the lift again!!', which was a good decision because we nailed it the second time round and Megan seemed to hover in the air! I never believed myself capable of doing some of that material before I started uni, but I guess this audition has shown me what I can do when under pressure and fighting for my place in the company.
I really enjoyed the final section of Abi's material, it was full of personality and pizazz so I really went for it and dredged up the last of my energy!

In all, I have to say its one of the best audition experiences I've ever had. I was relaxed and just wanted to show them how much I was enjoying myself and how much I love dancing! Obviously I'd love to get in but I don't think I should pin my hope on it because everyone else did so well. I think they've got a difficult job on their hands deciding who's in the company next! It's just going to be a nervous wait until that email comes through and it'll either be tears of joy or tears of sadness, but either way I can say I tried my best in the audition and that's all I could do!

Now to recover from this week... alas its just time to write essays and do research!!!  At least I can heal some of the bruises covering my entire body...

Thanks for reading, I'll let you know the outcome hopefully!
With love and light,
Lily