Feeling Kind Of Down

Insight into a current state of mind 

So, I wrote this when I was in a bad way, right now I feel the same way, but when you read this maybe I’ll be feeling different! However, I wanted to put this out there, it’s my impression of my thoughts and emotions and my lack of communicative ability when I’m feeling down and in a deeper depression.  I’d say enjoy but perhaps that’s a bit too much irony, even for me…

 Whenever I feel sad/depressed/low whatever you want to call it, the hardest thing I find to do is to communicate. It’s not like I’m a small baby who can just cry and scream whenever something is bothering me (I wish that was acceptable communication for an almost-20-year-old) but I’m not, so I should communicate using my big grown up words. The trouble is, when I feel low, I can’t easily let someone else know how I feel or explain why I might be behaving a certain way.

I am often wondering why this is. I can communicate well when I’m happy? when I’m angry I can shout or stomp off in a huff? But when I feel absolutely miserable, I barely have the energy to make eye-contact with anyone. Is this because I just don’t have the words to describe how I feel? Oh, but I do: miserable, worthless, depressed, dull. I feel like a burnt-out candle that has been left to sit around on a shelf, gathering dust and losing its scent. I feel that, even when I’m naked, the heavy weight of a rucksack sits on my shoulders. I feel like the gloom of a day where the sun never once makes an appearance through the grey blanket of cloud. I can put words to how I feel, but the thing is, everyone always asks ‘why?’. And that is the part I struggle with.

When you are depressed, there may never be a reason for why you feel a certain way except the imbalanced levels of chemical in your brain; and it can be hard for others to grasp this concept. They need a solid concrete answer because I guess that way it might be easier for them to find a solution to how you feel. People always want to make you feel better, maybe because they love you and want to help or maybe because they can’t bear to be around you when you are a moping maudlin mess. Either way, it seems to be programmed into us that we need to have words and explanations for everything, and sometimes for me that is just not possible.

I feel guilty for not being able to let people into my mind, to give them at least some idea why I’m behaving the way I am. I leave them with no clue as to what is wrong or how they can help me. I feel dreadful for my family who don’t know how to talk to me or who feel like they need to tiptoe around me when I’m like this. It sucks, and I hate feeling trapped in my own vacuum of silence.

Of course, I know I won’t feel this way forever, maybe not even for the whole week, but right now I feel content to let this feeling wash over me, maybe I’ll settle in it for a while, but you know what? That’s okay. It’s okay to let your emotions lead you around for a moment. However, the thing I am working on is how to deal with my life surrounding the immediate bubble of my mind. I think I’m learning to manage and cope when I have deeper depressive episodes, I no longer sit for days in my room, isolated and stagnant; partially because I have work and parents who thankfully prod me into action, but also because I’ve learnt I can juggle my mental health and my life. This is not to say I don’t have days where I want nothing more than to lay in bed and stare at the ceiling for hours and hours. But I’m learning. 

This post started talking about me and my inability to communicate but I guess this post is evidence that I’ve just managed to communicate something. In real life, it is a lot harder, but for now, writing is okay and if even one person reads this then I’ve communicated, and that is good enough for now.

Thank you for witnessing and somewhat validating me,

Love and light,

Lily 

❍ 

‘You are walking around with your head on fire and no one can see the flames’ – Matt Haig, Reasons To Stay Alive