Diagnosis, not only is a word I find impossible to spell, its something that felt impossible to ever receive... This post explores my experience of seeking professional mental health support, the struggles along the way and how I've felt about a recent diagnosis.
In the past, I've had connections to support and therapy through NHS mental health services such as CAMHS where I lived at home in Hampshire and Surrey. From around the age of 13 or so I became known to MH services and received various treatments and tried various therapies to cope with my anxiety and depression. I think at the time, I didn't quite realise how lucky I was to be receiving regular treatment. In my angsty teen state I often disregarded the services and pushed against something that actually kept me alive and functioning all of those years. It is with hindsight I can see their benefit, and I wish I'd known just how difficult it has been to access support on the other side of adolescence.
I've found that compared to children's services, adult MH health services are extremely difficult to find a way into. Due to the extreme pressure on services, a lack of resources and funding, the NHS is under strain and mental health services are not exempt. For me its also been challenging having moved away to study at Uni, having to register with a new GP to then get any referrals to the local services here in West Sussex. During my first semester of uni I struggled and even after a crisis I received one assessment and was then discharged from the MH service here in Chichester. Which, now, I wish I'd challenged; maybe I wouldn't be in the same position now if I'd only fought for more support? Who can say really.
Since then, over the past year my mental health has (once again) steadily declined in conjunction with the development of extremely disordered eating. I struggled along at the surface with only my own pathetic arm bands to keep me afloat. It took me a long while to acknowledge that I needed serious help but when I was finally ready to reach out, I found that it took a long time for anyone to start to listen. Of course I had the support of family but I couldn't expect them to fulfil the roles of medical professionals, I'd never want to place that expectation upon them. So, how does one go about receiving advice and support and getting referred to the appropriate services?
The first step I took, from persistence of my parents, was to visit my GP. We (my parents and I) very naively believed they'd be able to point me in the direction - is this an unrealistic expectation? What I did receive was a patronising consultation with a doctor who knew very little about eating disorders, who gave me a prescription for anti-depressants and the advice that 'If you eat more, you'll soon feel better'... Gee wow, is that how easy it could be??!? Yes, telling someone struggling with an eating disorder that the simplest solution is just to eat more is such a brilliant idea! Its safe to say that after that I felt extremely disheartened and reluctant to try again, my mum was absolutely furious but I shouted down her desires to send the GP a 'strongly worded letter' because I didn't want to cause a fuss. I can't blame the GP, but should she have perhaps picked up on my mental state more closely, it might not have led to a hospitalisation. It shouldn't have reached a crisis point for me to get referred once more to the mental health services. But I guess that speaks to the state of these services and their priorities with such limited resources.
So, from that crisis I was referred to the local MH service, I had to wait another month for an assessment and then it took a couple of months and insistent phone calls from me before I heard anything back from the initial assessment. The timing was not ideal, the assessment was just before the Christmas period when the service winds down and closes. So, my case got bogged down and seemingly placed at the bottom of the pile. After a while, I took to phoning the MH service and my GP to see if there was any news, nothing came of it each week. I felt like I was just being strung along and lost any hope in the fact I might eventually receive help. I'd been pinning my hopes on these services and their potential ability to pull me out of the dire state I'd found myself in.
Eventually, upon phoning them again, I finally got to speak to someone who was dealing with my referral and they offered me an appointment. From there, I've been referred to specialist ED services and things finally started to get into place.
Fast forward to now and I have contact with over four mental health professionals on a regular basis. But what a journey it seems to have been.
I feel I may have got off topic a little, but I wanted to rant a bit about the process I've been through and how I wish I could have got help sooner, but, here we are and I can only think to the future.
So, I wanted to talk a little about diagnosis' because having recently been diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa alongside my usual anxiety and depression, its made me consider how I view myself and the person I seem to be at the moment. In all honesty its had quite an impact on how I think about my current mental state and its changed how I consider my mental health.
- Naming the beast; finally being able to put a name to something, to make it tangible and real. Its comforting, its scary, its helpful, its all of those things and more. Once you have a name for something, it moves from this big ambiguous abstract concept to a more concrete, substantial thing. Its also easier to communicate or make people aware of my current state, if I can say I have this disorder and this condition, its so much easier than having to give vague descriptions and details of my symptoms which just makes me uncomfortable and vulnerable.
- Validation; there is something validating about having a professional actually confirm a proper diagnosis. About having someone confirm that yes, there is actually something wrong and no its not just all going on in my head. That I'm not exaggerating, that I am actually unwell. Having my everything be validated has given me the ability to admit that I have a valid reason for how I feel.
- I've had to try distance myself from the diagnosis, it feels as if I have become so defined by this illness. I don't want to be determined by a disorder. I'm so much more than it. I need to do a lot of work on realising that although my life feels like its been dominated by this illness for so long, there is more to me than anorexia. SO much more. I just need to find it again and realise that slowly I can take back control.
I don't know the extent of how it's changed me just yet, but I know I think differently about my mental health now. I think a little more rationally, having a concrete definition but do I feel myself slowly being defined and confined by this disorder?
It is all very overwhelming right now. There was a week recently where I had three separate meetings with MH services and yet I found myself receiving no actual emotional support, for a while it was just assessments and the rigmarole of getting settled into a new service. Yet, slowly slowly, as things progress and I work more closely with people and my care plans are carried out, I will start feeling like I'm actually receiving support and not just explaining my situation over and over and over.
For now, I'd just like to say to anyone out there wondering if they should get help - make that difficult step and reach out, I urge you to. It'll be a tough time and you'll potentially be waiting a long while. But if you can, persevere. I'm extremely lucky to have the support of my family, friends and university, whom without their help and guidance I don't know if I would've held out for as long as I have had to. Help is out there, its not easy to get it, you might have to wait, and having patience is easier said than done, but be strong. Hang in there.
This has been quite a post, probably full of rambling and self-pity but I wanted to share my journey, it helps to reflect on how things have been, it makes me realise that things have moved forward and for that, I am grateful,
Love and light,
Lily
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